It's About That Time...

Time for resolutions and fresh plans! I hope that everyone had a Merry Christmas, but now it's time for a NEW Year! Welcome 2011.

I guess my resolution is the same as it always is... lose weight. We'll see how that works out for me this time around. I think that I'm not going to focus on a number (be it size, or weight) but more on how I want to feel, and how I look. First and foremost, I think it has to be about getting healthier. For me, that means taking the time to learn how to control my binges which have sort of taken me over for the past 6 months. One step and a time, right? I'm working on it.

So, I'm going to head to the gym tomorrow with all four of my kiddos in tow, and make my body a better place to eventually grow a little one. I'm totally uncomfortable in my own skin, and completely depressed about the way I look. Tony swears he's not concerned about it, but I'm taking my concern to the extreme. I care so much about the way I look that I don't want to leave the house. I don't even want to visit family, it's that serious.

:::Deep Breath::: One day at a time.

Happy New Year.

16& Pregnant? Yes, I was...

So, last night was the season finale of 16& Pregnant, and I have to say that it was an emotional roller coaster! I think that watching Ashley agonize over what to do with her daughter was the most real situation I've ever seen on that show. I know that millions tune in week after week to watch a bunch of kids struggle to raise babies, but up until last night, it was just a show. Last night, I think they finally succeeded in living up to their genre... docu-drama.

Week after week, we always watch naive girls get the ultimate wake-up call when they become mothers... but few of them actually grow up. You very seldom get to see the weight of their decision, they say "well, I was going to college, I was going to do this" but you never saw the reality of it until last night. Last night it came full circle for me, having lived that life once. You saw her make a life plan for herself and her daughter, and then when she fell in love, she was ready to give it all up for her child. For most of the teen moms, adoption isn't an option from the moment the stick turns blue, and the ones who did give up their baby didn't waiver much in their decisions. Well, mostly anyway. Ashley knew what she was giving up, she was right there, on the precipice of her dreams. She could reach out and touch her future, and all it took was one look at her child and it threw everything she thought she knew into question. It simply didn't matter anymore.

I was the same way, but I was a fair deal younger than most of the moms on 16& Pregnant. (I know it says "16" in the title, but most of the girls are high school seniors whereas I got pregnant at the end of the summer after freshman year though I didn't find out until I was a couple of weeks into school).

I relate to Ashley, because I agonized over the same decision... do I give my baby up for adoption, or keep her? I said the exact same thing that Ashley said when I saw my baby for the first time "I can't let her go." I could feel every emotion that she was going through, and my stomach was in knots through most of the episode. And at the end, I cried. I wanted her to keep her baby. I wanted her to see hope, to see that things could get better. I knew, just by watching her that she would live to regret her decision. Don't get me wrong, adoption is wonderful for a lot of birth moms... but Ashley didn't strike me as one of those moms. She's no Caitlyn. She will absolutely regret this decision, and worse, the baby will be in her family and she will have to face her at every family function and wonder if she did what was right. When her life is stable, she will want her daughter back. I had enough foresight to see that when I was making the same decision. I knew... no, I had faith that things would end up okay for me and my children. I trusted God to take care of us, and He did. My heart breaks for Ashley. I'm considering not watching the check-in episode next week, because I'm afraid she'll say that she made a mistake. But maybe I'll watch and be pleasantly surprised, and she'll say that she's at peace with her decision. But, she reminds me so much of me that I have a hard time believing that she'll ever make peace with herself. Sad. Although it was nice to see the end, where she was visiting New York to tour the college. Honestly though, I don't think that college will fill the void. I don't think that anything will. She could have done it, she was strong enough to do it all. She was stronger than I was, and I was 15.

The worst part was that when it ended I just sobbed. I'm actually fighting tears now just thinking about it. My children are my life, and the thought of never being able to carry another breaks my heart down to dust... I see myself in Ashley. Not trusting, trying to make the "right" decision for a child (who in my case doesn't even exist), and being plagued by all of the doubts. Am I doing the right thing? Will I regret this? How will it be in 5 years if our lives are wonderful and I didn't have another child, because I didn't have hope? Because I didn't trust.

I can't write anymore.

Trying to Figure it Out...

The baby situation is completely tied to our money situation, and we're just trying to get it all taken care of. One of the things we're doing right now to save money is a lot of belt tightening. We've ditch cable, and our home phone, and the Internet (thank goodness for cell phones that are also Internet hot spots!) We're going to stop eating out (except for one dinner out a month), and make get back to planning family meals week to week so we don't end up spending more at the grocery store than we absolutely need. We're also going to try and find more family things to do for free. Sadly, we're also going to pull Andie from competitive cheerleading at the end of this season, in favor of something cheaper. I think that we're going to end up doing most of our sports through the YMCA to save money. I would say that we considered dumping our YMCA passes, but we didn't. We may apply for their sliding scale financial assistance, but if we're denied, we're still keeping the pass, because we use it.

For summer fun, we're thinking of taking a little cash off the top of our tax return each year to buy a King's Island family pass... but I'm undecided. I really like to have it, but with the kids still being so young, and me being terrified of roller coasters, it may not be worth it this year. Who knows. We do a lot there when it's not crazy crowded, but when it is, it's very easy to get frustrated. I haven't decided about that yet.

With our annuity ending soon, we will be living on half the money that we have become accustomed to. It's going to be really really hard, but we'll figure it out. In the meantime, we're going to save as much money as we can, and pay off our furniture, and our car. Thankfully, we don't have a mortgage, so our bills are going to be mostly limited to necessities. Hopefully we will be fine on everything else. I would like to see Tony be able to make more money, but it's not looking good for now. We're honestly doing fine, and things would be absolutely easy for us if I was working, but neither one of us wants that right now, with the kids being so young, and wanting to have more. After the holidays, Tony is going to look nation wide for a new job that will allow us more financial freedom, but 'pickens are slim in this economy, and I will take job security over more money any day. Also, he's looking into construction jobs which I'm not overly thrilled about... I would like to see that as a last resort, even after the option of me going back to work. I dealt with one catastrophic injury, and I'm in no hurry to go back there again.

Also, we're kicking around the option to downsize. We have an enormous house, and it's got plenty of room for everyone. This kind of house was our "dream house" and we're very blessed to have it... but I don't want us to have to sacrifice everything to keep this house. A smaller house means cheaper utilities, and less taxes.... so we're looking at that too.

After all of this, I need a vacation! I can't wait to head to Gatlinburg in a few weeks and leave all of this crap in Ohio for a while.

On the baby front, we've put a savings plan into place so that we can get the reversal done by the end of 2011 with any luck. I'm sad about not being able to move forward with the IUI and have that 2011 baby... but I'll live. But, what's worse is I'm embarrassed that I let myself get so excited, start this blog, and then still be so far away from having another child.

So, on to 2012.

Fail?

Today has been a rough day, and even though we saw it coming, I'm still floored by reality. Things are about to become the way that they're going to be... forever, and I'm not ready for that. But it is what it is. Tony had said something about failing... and while I agree that we are coming up short here and there, we're really losing sight of the important things. Especially me. I think at the core of it, we have been failing. This life we live, it isn't the one we were supposed to be living, it just sort of fell in our laps, and because of that, we were trying to capitalize on... well, capital. We had money, and we wanted to have as much as we could for as long as we could and we minimized our love as a result. See, when we were dirt poor we were fine, and we were happy. We were also abundantly blessed with and by our children. Then came the money. And when we talked about kids it became "money this" and "money that." Forget the fact that God had been taking care of us just fine up to that point. We had troubles sure, but we didn't dwell on them, we just took them as they came and made every day the very best that it could be.

Enter money.

"How are we going to save money?" "How are we going to pay for this?" "Can we buy [enter unnecessary piece of random crap here]?"

"I know how.... let's cut our losses and stop having children. Screw the fact that everything up to this point has been perfect, simple."

I hate this place we're in right now. It wasn't supposed to be this way. We were supposed to be poor, but happy. And we were supposed to be surrounded by as many children as God had planned for us before we took matters out of His hands and into ours.

It's making me crazy, and it's making life difficult... and worse, unenjoyable. I miss happiness.

My Day Off...

So, per my plan, I didn't run today. I have a couple miles to do in the morning, but today was solidly lazy. I did head out to the store about 3 too many times today trying to find a gift (ended up getting a gift card), getting groceries, and then taking my brother to get his groceries... though that time didn't really count because I just sat in the parking lot for the whole 15 or so minutes it took for him to get his food. It was a little cold, but it was a lot quiet. That was nice. I didn't feel much like walking around by myself, and I felt less like having to hear anything about Jon Cena. I swear I've never watched pro-wrestling, but I could tell you more than enough about the Nexus storyline. And no, I'm not proud of that.

Anyway, the point is, it was a sad day off. My mind wasn't consumed by running, the thought of running, or my current hatred of running... and therefore it was allowed to roam to unsettling feelings of baby. Ugh. The good news is, while I'm running, I'm not thinking about getting pregnant, I'm only thinking "good God how many miles could I possibly have left!?" But it's the not running days that I'm going to have to work on. One day at a time, right? I will eventually get over this.

I can't help but think, in a perfect world, we would hit the lottery, move away from this place, and live out our lives stress free with as many babies as God blessed us with. Ugh. I'm so glad that I will be running tomorrow... even if I currently LOATHE running.

Marathon...

I was wrong, the Cleveland Marathon is in May, and I plan to move forward with training. Unless Tony has a change of heart, or this year's tax return is crazy huge, it looks like baby making is going to be on hold... stupid economy. But we have to do what we have to do. I guess it's bittersweet that we can't have an "oops" baby. As much as I would love to find out that we accidentally got pregnant, it's comforting to know that if the money situation doesn't get resolved that we're not going to end up with another mouth to feed that we can't afford. I can't imagine letting our other kiddos go without when things are tight enough as it is. We get by just fine right now, we who knows about next year, or heck, next week?! So, it's good that we're 'being grown ups' and using the money that we've got to pay off some bills so that we can be minimalists after we lose our annuity in October.

So, I'm jumping in and training for this marathon (that is now less than 23 weeks away) to keep my mind off of the sadness that is encroaching on me over knowing that it's going to be a little while until we add our new precious bundle of baby to the family. I'm already getting a little heartsick at the sight of babies, and pregnant women, and that sort of thing... but I'm sure once training for this race really picks up that I will be too busy to lament too long. At least that's the hope.

Some day little Angel baby. We will meet you some day. When we can offer you the very best that we can. When we can give you all that we've been able to give your sister and brothers. And when we are able to be the very best parents that we can be to you. In the meantime, know that Mommy is aching as I wait for your arrival. I love you little one, even though you remain a twinkle in my eye.

False Alarm...

No period for me... not yet anyway. Maybe I'm ovulating though? Who knows? It's been forever! Ugh.

On an unrelated to baby making note: I'm going to start training for a marathon on Tuesday! I'm pretty stoked, and also nervous. I've done a triathlon, and squeaked out a half marathon distance once, but never the whole darn thing. So we'll see how it goes. Just because I start the training doesn't mean that I'm going to be able to run the race. If worst comes to worst, I will train for the full, then run the half, continue my training and run a full in the fall. I'm pretty sure that Cleveland hosts a full marathon in the fall, and it would be a great excuse to go and visit my mom. Besides, I think that accomplishing that would be something amazing to share with her....

Of course, this is all operating on the assumption that I am not with child by then :)

What ho?

I'm spotting a little today! This is actually pretty good news, considering I haven't had a cycle in about 2 years! It may not seem like much but, it means that I'm ovulating, something I haven't done on my own in about three years... at least not regularly. So this has the potential to be great news! It may mean that I can have a baby totally unassisted if Tony has the reversal done! Which I must admit, I was thinking the reversal may be just a huge waste of money lately because of my inability to ovulate. I just figured that if I was going to have to go to the RE anyway to get pregnant, may as well move forward with the IUI and forget about a reversal. That way, the cost would be HALF of what the reversal would be. We will revisit all of that after I know if I'm regular or not. If my periods do not even back out, then I may still need to be on fertility drugs. So again, it's a waiting game. It's always a waiting game!

But tax return time is looming, so a decision will be final soon. Since part of that money is going toward trying to get pregnant again (whichever method that may be) it will be good to have that in hand with a purpose.

In the meantime, Tony and I are working on our parenting skills. I would like to learn a lot more about how to parent the four unique kids we have to the best of our abilities, so that the transition to five will go more smoothly. No one is perfect, us least of all... but we're really going to work hard on being the very best that we can be. I am totally devoted to becoming a more loving, attentive, and effective parent. I love them all so much.

Goodbye Puppy Pie...

Today was a little sad for all of us. We had to find a new home for our 5 month old lab puppy Kenzie. Apparently Mr. BooBoo is allergic to anything that walks on four legs and has a tail. So we bid farewell to the cutest little lab you've ever seen. I just couldn't imagine trying to give him medicine every day so we could keep her. To me it seemed like choosing the dog over the baby. So, we did what we thought we had to even though we're not happy about it. When it's time to add another canine member to the family, we will be doing the most research that we can on hypoallergenic breeds (poodles, poodle mixes, bichon frise, etc) so that little man can know the joy of having a dog, without the runny nose, rash, itchy eyes, and general blahs that he's dealing with now.

On the baby making front, no news yet. We got all of our information on adoption through the county, and it looks like foster care is going to be the best way to go if we want an infant. We just have to hope that the baby we foster ends up going up for adoption. So we're still talking about that. Tony's also really pushing the reversal, which I didn't expect. So we will be visiting that possibility too, but money is a factor, so we will see what tax return season brings. Until then, we're just going to "practice."

I wanted to wish everyone a happy and blessed Thanksgiving.

Also, through this holiday season, please pray for the people who have family members overseas. Even though combat operations are "over" in the middle east, lives are still being lost. A friend of mine lost her husband last week. They have a 6 month old son, and their lives are changed forever. Every time we lose a soldier, lives are irreversibly changed. Our servicemen and women will be getting my thoughts and prayers this holiday season. I hope that they all come home safe, so that no one else has to travel the long, hard, and painful road that my friend is on now.

Happy Thanksgiving.

In Need...

...of a good long run! I have gotten horribly out of shape over the past 6 months, and that stinks. But my recently acquired love handles, and brand new dimples in my booty aren't the worst part. I've lost my zen. When I would go out for a run, it was like I had this clarity, and time didn't exist. Nine miles would feel like it only took minutes to complete. I miss the lightness. It was like my body was on autopilot, and I was just along for the ride. It wasn't even hard. It was wonderful. I miss it. I wish it were just as easy as going back out for a run and rediscovering my bliss... but I'm too far gone. Running now would be hard, a chore. I don't want to go back to that place I was in when I was only running to lose weight and I hated every minute of it. I want to go back to my happy place. But I can't. It's not happy anymore. I guess it's all about getting started though. "A journey of a thousand miles," and whatnot.

I do know one thing for sure though, Tony and I have got to start taking better care of ourselves. We do an okay job, but we've really been slipping lately (thus the new dimples where dimples ought not be) and we need to recommit. A close friend of mine lost his father today. He was 54 and he had a heart attack. He was overweight, and didn't take very good care of himself, but he was a good man. He was a father and a grandfather to a beautiful little girl who he will now not get to see grow up. I don't want that for my children, or my grandchildren. It hit far too close to home today. Life is short. I don't want to take away a single day that I could be spending with my family. I hope that my husband feels the same way, because if we keep traveling on this road we're on, our grandchildren aren't going to know him.

Information Overload...

I never thought that there was any such thing as too much information until today. We're trying to weigh all of the pros and cons of each of the possible ways to add to our family, and it seems like we're (and by we're I mean I'm) always making sure that we know the ins and outs of each possible baby scenario. So, we've decided that we're going to learn more about the foster to adopt option also, as we wouldn't mind adopting a baby Aaron's age or younger (so we don't upset the birth order). I will be calling the DJFS on Monday and finding out about how to take the foster/adoptive parent classes, so we can see if that's a viable option for us. We are working within a time frame though. If it's not looking like it's going to work out, then we will move ahead with the pregnancy option in February. Besides, Tony and I had always wanted to adopt one of our children, so we may need to know more about this avenue anyway. We're perfectly fine with whatever situation presents itself, as long as all roads lead to baby.

When we discussed the vasectomy 5 years ago, we discussed having more children, and how we would go about that, and adoption was what we had decided. The only reason we "had" Aaron is because I wanted the pregnancy experience again. Otherwise, it would have been an adoption, without question. Right now, we're in the opposite place. Whereas before, I wanted to be pregnant, this time, we just want to have a baby. The pregnancy isn't as important to me as it was before. Especially when I have to take into consideration the issues I had with my previous pregnancy, and the likelihood that I will have to have a second c-section. It amounts to a little but of apprehension when it comes to a prospective pregnancy... but not enough to keep me from fully wanting to do it. It's like a boxer taking one on the chin for a million dollars, sure it sucks, but it's more than worth the pay day.

I've looked into the foster parent classes, and there is only one left in 2010, and it is a "lightning course." Which basically means all of the classes are shoved into two weekends. That seemed like it would work out perfectly for us, except for the fact that we would have to be there on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday... but Tony works on Fridays. Since we would both need to be present at all classes, that's not going to work out. So, on Monday, when I put in that phone call to DJFS, I'll see if there is any way around that. Maybe we could make up the time? I won't know unless I make that call.

I guess right now, it's all up in the air, and figured out at the same time. We will work with the possibility of adopting through the county until February, and if nothing comes of it by then, we will pray that we are able to get pregnant with our one precious last chance. If not, it's back to the drawing board. I'm not sure what we will do if we don't conceive. Maybe go back to DJFS? We'll see what the future holds. An agency adoption would be wonderful, but the bill that would rack up would get ridiculous in a hurry, and we don't really have enough credit to take out a loan for the expenses.

I know that I'm letting all of this get me a little crazy, and turned around, but it's just one of those things. I'm sure you've had that feeing in your gut, a desire so strong that it make you nauseous. That's where I'm at, and I'm just trying to make sure I have all angles covered so if it doesn't work out in the end, I can say "I tried everything that I could." Although, I was told tonight that if we were to win the lottery that Tony is definitely going to get a reversal, and we're going to "go at it like rabbits." Men.

A Case of the Blahs...

It's been a trying couple of weeks, but I'm hoping that things will start to get better as the days wear on. I don't know if I'm having a hormone shift or what, but I am feeling a little bit like I'm losing my mind. I feel some of my less desirable tendencies coming to the surface. Like, my inability to finish things, feeling "less than" in every facet of my life, and then there's my inability to make a solid decision. I am really bad for that. I think that alone should disqualify me from being a mother... but I've already crossed that bridge four times. I'm so thankful that they don't make parents take a test before letting them leave with their child, or else I would be totally out of luck.

My biggest problem is that I'm very creative. Most people would call that a strength, unless you're applying every imaginary scenario to your life on a daily basis. I think of all of the things I want, every day. I think of all the things I've never had, the things I had, but lost... and all of the things I wish I could do for/give to others, but it's just impossible. I feel like a first time mom all over again. It's like I'm one of those 30-something career women who go back and forth on when the "perfect" time to start a family is. You know the ones. The women who have an impossible list of criteria that they have to meet to take that leap and become a mother. But I also don't want to be one of those women who just does everything on a whim. And that's difficult, because that is my personality in a nutshell. I'm trying to think everything through, what mother doesn't? But I'm letting all of my back and forth ruin my current day to day life.

I'm stressing out WAY TOO MUCH. I would love to be in a situation where I could just "let whatever happens, happen." But it's not going to happen. Tony told me today that we're only going to give it one shot, and then I "have to move on." I guess he'll be ready to move on after that, but I'm not sure that I will. I guess I won't have much of a choice though will I? The thought of going through the process (Meds/IUI) again, and having nothing to show for it is daunting. It's making me question whether or not it would be worth the heartache of failure. But it's looking like we're not going to be able to afford the vasectomy reversal since the urologist wants the nearly $5k (which isn't actually expensive for a reversal) up front. That, my friends, is not going to happen.

I suppose that's why adopting has been popping up in my mind so much lately. Though I want to go through another pregnancy, and birth of another child, it may be better to adopt. At least then you're looking at more of a sure thing. I would try my hardest to adopt through the county's department of family services. There are so many children born into the system that it's ridiculous. But adoption takes a lot of time, and I honest to God do not want to wait the years that Tony would want to wait to adopt. I would want to start the process immediately, but that's my impatience. I guess the majority of me wants my family to feel complete. It doesn't. Fantastic... I'm talking myself in circles again.

Oh how I wish I were made of money.

"I Didn't Lie, the Truth Kept Changing"...

That was my favorite "Kids Say the Darndest Things"-esque line from my youth. It's so cute, I really wish I had said it, but alas, that phrase came out of the precocious mouth of my little sister Jacqueline. Well, that and "the cars can't hit us Mom, we're Presbyterians, we have the right'away." Gosh she was so cute.

Anyway, back to the reason that the truth keeps changing. Circumstances keep changing, so in like fashion, our options keep changing too. It's really complicated, and I wish there was a way that I could explain it better without sounding like a 5 year old who is defiantly stomping her feet because she can't have everything go her way. The short version is this... at the core of this whole process is a burning desire to have another daughter. Don't get me wrong, if we were to go forward and get pregnant, and found out we were having a boy, we would be ecstatic! However, the motive behind the pregnancy pipedream is to try for another girl. Let me say this again, we would be over the moon to have another boy, but our motivation is and has been the potential of bringing home a little girl.

That's one of the reasons that we have been considering a reversal, so if we have another son, that we could give it another go without the aid of the fertility clinic. You know, I really hate admitting that we want to have one gender over another. It seems so stupid, you know? A baby is a blessing, whether is comes with all the optional attachments or not. I feel like I'm being whiny and horrible. But I can't make that little tug I feel in my heart every time I see a baby girl snuggle with her daddy, or pass the Christmas dresses at the department store go away, no matter how hard I try. And trust me, I've tried. And so our truth keeps changing. Reversal? IUI? Adoption? It just keeps changing. What are we going to do?! I'm so conflicted right now.

Adoption has always been something that we've wanted to do, but it is definitely a labor intensive avenue to becoming a parent. It takes years, home studies, and many many more colorful and complicated hoops to jump through. We thought of fostering to adopt, because it would be wonderful to give a good life to a child who may otherwise be in the system. And the thing is, we don't care if she's black, white, blue, or purple as long as she's ours.

The most ideal adoption situation would be international, but it's so expensive, it requires a lot of travel, and most countries will not adopt children to us because of our current family size. Most have limits set on the number of biological children a couple have, as well as income requirements, travel requirements, age limits, housing requirements, and honestly, the list goes on and on. It's very hard to meet every criteria that is necessary to adopt internationally. But open domestic adoption has Tony and I split. Tony takes issue with birth parents. It's horrible, I know. But he has so much antimosity built up against open adoption. He has a stigma for birth parents too. He just feels like they're abandoning a child. He doesn't see adoption as a gift to their child, and the adoptive parents like I do. He wouldn't want a child knowing that it was adopted, and well that's an issue right there. Private adoption has really fallen out of fashion. his biggest fear is that an adopted child will look at him one day and say "You're not my father." Or worse, that she will turn 18 and track down her birth parents and forget all about us... like the grass would be greener.

I'm at a loss right now. Which is the right way? I swear I put all of this stress on myself. It's really unnecessary, but what do you do? I'm a complicated person and I tend to find myself in complicated situations. Mostly because I put myself there. I guess it's just one more thing that I will put in the Lord's hands. I've been doing that a lot lately.

For now, I have to take a stress break... Parent/Teacher conferences in an hour. Time to find out how the monsters have been doing. My little geniuses.

This Just In...

I hate waiting...

That is all.

About Time!

Drumroll please?...... Negative. Phew! I was a little worried, with being sick, and not being on top of taking my prenatals, and with not having a cycle in nearly 2 years, who knows how far along I could have been! That in and of itself was scary to think about. What if I was 5 months along? And no prenatal care? That would freak me out! So now I'm going to take a nice long breath and go about my life for the next couple of months until the active phase of TTC really starts.

So, for starting out so uneventful, this day sure didn't stay that way. I'm still sick, but I've started my calorie restriction. It's been less than one day, and I'm already craving every single food that I have ever tried in my life... but I know that will get easier with time (before it gets worse). Aaron hasn't nursed at all today which doesn't help matters.

On top of that, I got a text this morning with less than stellar news from Tony. He got hit by a semi-truck at work today. He's fine. He was also in a truck, so it could have been worse. However, he had to wait on the side of the road all day for someone to pull his truck out of a hole where it had been pushed off the road. They cited the other driver, and everyone was just fine, so that's good. But he's going to be gone for what's left of the day, only to have to turn around and go back out tomorrow. Geez! Give a brotha' a day off! I think I'm most steamed about the fact that he was ahead of his stops all day long, and was going to be home super early today! Not anymore. Bummer. I really miss him sometimes.

So, I'm whiny, sick, in pain, and lonely. Boo hoo for me. But all of that's going to end soon in favor of busy, sick, in pain, and frazzled, because it's time to pick the kids up from school!

Results Are In...

Invaild. Yes, invalid. In 10 years of taking pregnancy tests, whether they were positive or negative, they were always SOMETHING. Not this time. No, this time there were no lines. None. Does that mean I'm super not pregnant? I couldn't even make the control line show up? So I went back out to the store and got a 2 pack and will try again in the morning. One to be negative tomorrow, and one to be positive in February.

Tony is convinced that I'm pregnant. Me, not so much. I have the flu, period. It's cute though, to see him all excited. It really makes me anxious for the time when we really get to try, and I really get to say I'm pregnant.

In other news, after nearly 14 months of breastfeeding, Aaron has decided he's ready to wean. Normally, that's a good thing. But not for me. I have a clogged duct and it hurts like Hell. Since he's not nursing as much, it's making things worse. I've been heating it, and taking tylenol for the pain, but it still hurts. It feels like someone took the spiked head of a medieval mace and shoved it into my breast. Sounds fun, right? Don't you wish you had your own clogged duct?

The next order of buisness is trying to dry up my supply. As soon as the pregnancy test comes back negative tomorrow morning, I'm going to drastically drop my caloric intake to shock my body. In turn, my milk supply should tank, because my body should be more concerned with sustaining my own life, and not Aaron's. At least, that's my hypothesis. Also, when the test comes back negative tomorrow, I may head to the doctor in case my breast is infected. I'm not running a fever, so I'm pretty sure it's not, but better safe than sorry.

Just for Giggles...

Tony bought me a pregnancy test today. Yes, I know how silly that sounds. I plan on taking it tomorrow, even though it's probably a waste of time and money. The thing is, Aaron is 13 months old and I still haven't had a cycle yet. I've cut way down on breastfeeding (sometimes just twice a day) and I'm pretty certain I should have had some sort of hormone shift by now. Maybe I'm crazy? But I keep having this feeling like I'm about to start a new cycle, and then... nothing! I get all of the AF symptoms (which coincidentally are also pregnancy symptoms) and then she doesn't show. I keep telling poor Tony that he smells funny, and I've asked him what he's done differently in the past month or two. But what if it's me? I keep freaking out like his smells are changing because he's got a brain tumor or something, but what if my sense of smell is just more sensitive?

I know... insane. I mean we're dealing with a situation where Tony has had a vasectomy. You would think that we would know better, right? Well, here's the kicker... we're real idiots. You see, when we decided that three kids were it, it was for good reason. We were 20, flat broke, and dealing with a horrific injury. Notice that "flat broke" part? Let me tell you why that's significant. We saved for months to have the vasectomy. We didn't have insurance because at the time, neither of us was working. So we had to pay out of pocket. And being that money wasn't exactly coming into our household in buckets, we couldn't pay for the follow up visit. You know... the visit where they test the plumbing to make sure there aren't any leaks? We had to just assume that it worked. Yes, our birth control plan at that time was half blind trust, and half denial.

When we went ahead with TTC Aaron, we figured we didn't need to test Tony's count because we hadn't gotten pregnant up to that point, so why spend the extra money? We didn't even consider the fact that a perfectly fertile couple only has a 15%-20% chance of getting pregnant per cycle, so if he's got a slow leak, pregnancy is going to be terribly improbable, but not impossible. So we moved ahead with the samples we had in storage and didn't give it a second thought.

But here I am. In 3 weeks I will be 14 months post partum. When I had Andie, I started cycling again when she was 5 months old. So what gives? Maybe it's just a hormonal imbalance. The plan is still in place to head to the RE in February. But in the meantime, it would be foolish not to consider the possibility, and at least be sure. What if the vasectomy failed? I mean, I would feel terrible to find out too late that I was expecting and not have gotten the prenatal care I needed. It's worth a $4 pregnancy test, just to have it come back negative (as it should) just for peace of mind. By all rights, I should wake up to a single lonely line on that test in the morning. I'm not giving in to wishful thinking here. I'm really not. I fully expect a negative test in the morning. A positive test would be amazing, mostly because it would be a miracle.

Happy Halloween!!

Tonight was the first time in the 4 years that we have lived in our house that we have actually gone trick-or-treating in our own neighborhood. For the past 24 years I have always wandered through my mother's neighborhood in search of fun-sized sugary goodness, but since she moved 300 miles away this past June, we walked the streets of our neighborhood instead. And I was pleasantly surprised! In a neighborhood filled with uppity capitalist Republican "go start your own business and buy your own candy, you lazy 5 year old" people, my kids actually made out like bandits. Don't get me wrong, most of my neighbors are trick-or-treat Scrooges. But for those who actually don't mind the parade of costume clad juveniles lurking from cul-de-sac to cul-de-sac, it was awesome. Some houses handed out full sized candy bars, one had a setup of sodas to go with the candy! This house also had a cooler labeled "treats for grown ups" that I could only assume was full of beer. But hey, to each his own. See, some people are thinking "beer? At trick-or-treat? Do you live in a trailer park?" While others realize how much beer costs, and know that this is not the case if people in my neighborhood are just handing it out. Some would call them good Samaritans, they're just doing their part to help people take the edge off dealing with all of the sugared up tiny humans. The best house was actually showing a movie on the side of the house, and handing out candy, hot chocolate, cider (both hot and cold), chips, and hot dogs. They even threw in a million dollars... well, in play money, but still.

Aaron loved his first trick-or-treat experience, even though it was a short one. He's got the worst head cold right now, so I let him hit the 3 lit up houses on our block, and sent him back home with Tony. The older 3 kids and I went the rest of the way around the neighborhood, while the teenagers stayed home and passed out candy (trying to avoid waking up to a house covered in toilet paper tomorrow).

Costumes this year were a breeze. The boys begged me for costumes that they saw at WalMart. And I was all, "wait... these are like $7!" So, no argument from Mom. Aaron was a pumpkin, because for some reason in my family, the baby is always a pumpkin for the first trick-or-treat. It's not intentional, it just sort of always works out that way. Andie was a little more complicated. I was full on expecting to have some sort of preteen battle with her over some costume that was just to oversexed, but "everyone else is wearing it." But she came to me and wanted to be a zombie. Hmmm... I had to swish that one around a bit, because I wasn't sure if it was going to be sweet or bitter. On one hand, she would be full clothed. One the other hand, she didn't want to be something pretty... and well, have you seen my daughter? She's beautiful. I caved, because I know that I'm on the precipice of her teenage years, and I've got to start choosing my battles. So I watched a couple of tutorials, got some fake blood and liquid latex and was able to pull this off....

Yes, I know. I rock. You may applaud :)

Did I Just Talk Myself Out of This? Or Into it?

I swear I spent a solid hour talking to Aaron's developmental aide about having another baby. I talked myself in circles about the pros and cons about having a baby right now, and I've got to say, I'm a lot more confused about it than I was yesterday. This is a decision that I thought was already made, but I had gone back and forth in my head about it for a long time. I know that we are going to have another baby, that part is non-negotiable, but the when and how of it are always changing it seems. Sometimes I feel like I'm being selfish. I think it's a genuine emotion, selfishness. I wonder if I am doing more harm than good by having a baby now. But then again, am I going to isolate both Aaron and a new baby if we wait much longer? I don't know. Maybe I should run down a list of pros and cons and decide the next set of steps from there. After all, I have until February at the earliest until a decision has to be made.

You know? Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I just have too much idle time to sit and think of all of the doomsday scenarios. It would be like me to sit and draw out every single possible negative outcome imaginable and not acknowledge the possibility that everything may very well turn out just fine.

Full Weekend!

This weekend went by in a flash. Tony was on vacation this past week, so clearly that went by in a blink! Seems like every time I finally get to spend time with him, it just goes by too quickly. I miss him.

On the bright side, we had a pretty awesome weekend to lead him back into the work week. Saturday was the homecoming dance and my Janie-Pie's high school. I spent the day dolling her up, and helping Michael learn the basics "Formal Dance 101." Read as: how to tie a necktie, and iron your pants. You'd figure he'd know all of this by 19, but he doesn't. The good news is, he'll be fine by the time he hits 20. They looked adorable together, even though Tony teased Michael mercilessly about trading in his long luxurious (allbeit girly) locks for the Justin Beiber. I didn't think he looked like music's boy (?) wonder... but to each his own. But there was no question about my oldest girly girl, she looked gorgeous. I really wish I could take some credit for that. Well, I sort of can since I did her hair and makeup, but the rest of it is all her.

Today was phenomenal though. It was the start to the cheer season! That's right, we've declared open season on convention centers around the country. Short skirts and waaaaay too much spirit are on the way to your town, so be prepared. Andie's squad did amazing though. They stuck their routine, and pulled off a win!! Yep, FIRST PLACE! That's a great start to the new season. I'm so proud of her. She's come so far, and she loves this sport so much. She's such an athlete, and she's got so much heart. I love that about her. I'm so lucky that she's mine. Sometimes I look at her gorgeous little face and think "there's no way she's really mine." And then she says "Mom, you're in my way, move," and all doubt is removed.

.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year....

It's that time again! Time for glitter, time for sponge rollers, time to spend what's left of our life savings on our nine-year-old daughter. It's cheer season! If you or someone you love has ever been sucked into the world of competitive cheerleading, then you know the hard work that goes into it from all parties involved. The athlete puts in hours upon hours in the gym, the mom spends hours learning and perfecting makeup and hair-styles, and the dad... well the dad spends countless hours at work trying to come up with the hundreds of dollars to pay for uniforms, competition fees, hotel fees (traveling team), makeup, curlers, warm ups, food, and things you can't imagine. All Star cheerleading is a super demanding sport, but we're a cheer family, and we love it. We will continue to love it, right up until the money runs out!

Last season; doing makeup.

The finished product.

Our first competition is this weekend. Everyone is super excited! The team has been doing a great job perfecting their routine, the girls are so ready to get that adrenaline rush that takes hold when they step out on the spring floor. Being a travel team, we're accustomed to 2 day competitions, and stuffy hotel rooms, but this season is keeping us a little closer to home. Most of our competitions are one day, and within 150 miles! Awesome! I think that we only have 2 that are out of state. Trust me, that's a good thing, considering last season had us living out of a hotel room every other weekend. I swear I saw Indianapolis more times last season than I saw my hometown! But for all of my traveling woes, I will say one thing, it's really a treat for my kids to get to see all of these great places. Last season took us to Chi-town. Since our children were home schooled at the time, we took an extended weekend and hung around for a mini-vacation. It was a real blessing. We plan on doing the same this season with another out of state competition.

Jamfest Chicago February 2010

All in all, cheer season is my favorite time of the year because it makes us all cheerleaders. We spend an abundance of time together as a family, we get to cheer for our daughter, and at the end of the day we all feel like we won.

Big bear hug from Dad after winning!

Like a Lawn Chair....

I folded. For the past 7 years that I have been reproducing boys, Tony has been begging me, time after time to name our son... wait for it.... not yet.... almost going to tell you.... Ashley. [grunt] I'm sorry, but in my humble opinion, Ashley is a girl's name. When we found out Anthony was a boy, he said "you know the perfect name for a boy? Ashley!" I think the way I screwed up my face in distaste when he said that answered his question. Then we found out that Aidan was going to be a boy. "What should we name him?" I wondered aloud. Only to hear Tony's voice across the room answering, "you know, I think Ashley is a good choice." I just shook my head. No way was I naming my son Ashley. Can you imagine the ridicule? Even the nickname "Ash" wouldn't save him. Then I got pregnant with yet another boy. I threw every remaining boy name out on that table for our third son. Save for one. The omitted name did not go unnoticed. When I said "Adam? Aaron? Archer? August? What do you think?" He simply looked at me smugly and said "you know what I think." ARGH!

So here we are, trying for our fifth child, and if our track record gives us any indication of what the gender of this baby is going to be, then we are looking at boy number four. So, again we are trying to figure out what we will call our bouncing bundle of baby boy (should the Y chromosome decide to show its onery face again). If you haven't noticed, we give all of our children an "A" name... so that narrows the field considerably. I was throwing around names yesterday, and made a decision. A middle name decision. The baby's middle name will be Ronan. A little old, a little European, a little stolen from Stargate Atlantis (but my goodness is Jason Momoa dripping with hottness?!) But there it was. My choice, independent from my husband. I picked that name, and now we had to pick a first name to go with it. Archer. Right there, the perfect name, right?

Tony: "Archer? Archer Ronan? Double R? It sounds like one long name, Archeronan."

Me: "Crap. It kind of does."

Tony: "That means that Asher would sound the same way."

Me : inaudible grumbling

Tony: "You know what name would go great with Ronan, right?"

Me: "Shut up!"

But you know, he's actually right. Ashley goes very well with Ronan. I'm sort of okay with that. Now, I just have to figure out how to let all of his future teachers know that he will be going by "Ronan" before the treacherous first day of school. The last thing any boy wants to do is raise his hand during the first roll call when the teacher calls out the name Ashley. Or worse, go and sit in the desk bearing the "Ashely" name tag that the teacher has taken the liberty of scrolling hearts and butterflies on.

You know what would solve this problem? Having a girl.

Missing the Window....

It seems like all of the people I know who are expecting are having girls. So, am I missing the pink window? It's no secret that after 3 boys, Tony and I would love to be able to bring a little more pink into the house (not that we wouldn't be just as happy...and well practiced... with another boy, but change is nice). I wonder if maybe I'm missing my imaginary window that will enable me to have a girl? Silly right? Yeah, I know. But I have gotten pregnant in the same season with all three of my boys (all pregnancies started in winter, ended in fall). Whereas, I got pregnant in the fall with Andie, and had her in the spring. Hmmm... maybe there's something to all of this? Maybe not. I'm probably just trying to think of anything to influence the odds in favor of a little pink. I miss frilly pantyhose, and flowers, ribbons, and bows.

Don't get me wrong, I would be blessed either way (some women who voice a desire of one gender over another get berated about it) and would be just as ecstatic to have more blue. I mean, where boys are concerned, I'm a bit of a pro. AND, I have all kinds of boy clothes, toys, etc. As a matter of fact, we've already narrowed down our boy's name! So, in reality a boy would be preferable... but, we would really like to add one more girl to the brood before we stop reproducing.

Our Yearly Recommitment...

Every year Tony and I take the kids to the Ohio Renaissance Festival. It is by far one of the most fun things we do as a family, and in our opinion it never gets played out. We genuinely love it. Each year since we got married, we have gotten a festival mug as our little tradition. This year, we decided to start a new one. This year, we decided to renew our wedding vows. We got a little certificate to prove it! It was a really awesome experience. I thought that it was going to be something small, and casual. No big deal. But it was more than that. It was significant. It really felt like we were redevoting our lives to one another in a very real way. And like a big baby, I cried. From now on, during our yearly trip to the Renfest, we will do this again and again. It will be our yearly recommitment to each other, and our family.

We really went against the grain this year. Usually, we follow the same routine of shows, games, shops. This time, we saw shows we hadn't seen before, and walked into shops that we'd passed over in the past. We even bought the horribly overpriced and terribly cliche turkey leg (which I suspect may actually be ham). All in all, it was a fantastic day. So with a hearty HUZZAH! And a wish of a gentle evening. I bid thee farewell. (I know, I'm a nerd).

A Day at the Farm...

There is nothing in the world better than fall. Sure, that's my opinion, but I like to turn my opinions into facts sometimes, so roll with it. Fall time gets us all out of the house almost every single weekend because there is no shortage of things to do.

Today, we took the kids to a local farm that we discovered last year. Even though it was terrible hot outside (really Mother Nature? 85 degrees in October? Really?!) a fun time was had by all.

There were lots of fun things to play on, like a pipe swing, and a "pillow jump."

And lots of cool stuff to do, like a petting zoo.....

... a horse drawn hay ride to a pumpkin patch....

My 4 little Angels

... and a corn maze...

my children of the corn

LOOK! I was actually there! (with my cornsilk mustache....sexy!)

We had a great day! I love our family weekends. We really like to make every day count, and I CANNOT wait to share all of this famiy lovin' with a new little angel! We're waiting for you little one, until the day we get to meet you.

Happy Fall!!!

Single Dad Laughing...

A friend of mine posted this on Facebook today, so I thought I would share it with all of my imaginary readers out there :o)

I think that this blog touches on a lot of problems that we all see, or maybe some of us have where our children are concerned. It really shows how easy it is for us all to screw up, how easy it is for us (the most important people in our childrens' lives) to break them down. And some of us don't even think about it. I know I'm guilty of saying "No" to my kids without even thinking if that thing was important to them. Maybe I should say "Yes" to ice cream more often. They are just kids after all. They have such a precious short while to enjoy this carefree time. I'm not saying "let's give them everything, and no consequences." I'm just saying that maybe, if there's really no good reason to say "no," then maybe we should stop being stubborn and say yes. I know that I make a concious effort to spend time with my kids, but after reading this, I'm going to take a few extra minutes and just do the little things that make the difference. A bedtime story for my four year old, a cheer at the football game for my six year old, an extra "you're beautiful" or "you're so smart" for my nine year old, and making sure I don't make the same mistakes with my one year old.

There is no perfect parent. I think that it's about growing. If you make a mistake, then admit it, move on, and be better for it.

Enjoy!

http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/you-just-broke-your-child.hmtl


*note: if the link doesn't work you can go to http://www.danoah.com/ and the post is called "You just broke your child. Congratulations."

SpongeMom ImpatientPants....

So, I've already put in a call to the RE (reproductive endocrinologist) to see what types of things clinics are doing now, and to see how the prices have changed in the past (nearly) two years. I want to get ahead of things, and see what options we're looking at. We need to know if they plan on helping us at all... insert getting cut off by a bartender joke here..... or if we need to keep looking. I feel guilty even contacting these doctors sometimes. Here I am with my four amazing, beautiful, and healthy children, and am asking for another miracle while so many of their other patients are trying unsuccessfully for the millionth time to get pregnant with their first child. Even though we have battled infertility in the past, I still feel like I'm pushing it. I don't know, maybe they don't care. Maybe I could have 25 kids and it wouldn't matter to them.

I do know that we aren't going back to the same RE that we went to last time. We don't feel 100% comfortable with them. They're a great clinic, and their success rates are awesome. We just feel like they cater to a different crowd, an older crowd. Being young parents can really be a pain sometimes, especially when you have multiple children. I don't want to go into an already stressful process feeling like people are judging me as a parent by the number of years that I have been on this Earth. I want to feel nothing but support from my doctor. I didn't feel that there. So, we are still looking. I wish wish wish we could go about this naturally, but we can't. Between his infertility and mine, it's just not as easy as squeezing in some baby dancing at the right intervals, and POOF! Pregnant. We were lucky that the Clomid worked last time, but so far this time around, I still haven't ovulated at all. ARGH!

This waiting really stinks! Much like the diaper that I can smell from across the room. I suppose, I should probably get up and change that now. Yuck!

Playing Back and Forth...

I'm sure that Tony and I will eventually settle on how we're going to go about having another baby, but right now we're just playing a game of tug-of-war. At least we're not back in the place where we were back and forth about having a baby at all. I love that he smiled at me today and kissed my head and talked about how excited he was, and that he was 100% devoted to our decision to have another baby.

We talked again today about IUI, and he said we would likely try 2 cycles and then go from there. Though I'm totally unconvinced that he has dropped the reversal subject for good. I think that it will come back up. He may not say it, but I whole-heartedly believe that part of his wanting the reversal is because he wants to have more than one more baby. I can't be sure, but I think it's a possibility. That, or he just wants to get laid more. Either way. Seriously though, I know that he wants another daughter, we both do... but we're kind of prone to having boys. I think that maybe he sees the reversal as the best option in case we have another boy, and then it won't be such a pain to give it just one more shot. Nah, he just wants to get laid more.

In other news, we've opened our umbrellas, because per usual when it rains, it pours. Our health insurance lapsed which generally isn't a horrible thing. We were going to pick it back up at the beginning of the month when it rolled around. So since we had a plan in place, naturally the sky started falling. First, Anthony got an inner ear infection... $80 office visit, $15 antibiotic. Not too big of a deal, right? Well, then I get a letter... time for Aaron's immunizations. Crap. Well, that's another $80 plus shots. Then we get a letter from the pre-school... Aidan's physical from last school year is expired. By this point, we've got the hint. Don't let your medical coverage lapse. So we dish out the $50 for his physical. :::deep breath::: I am so glad that's over! But then God decided that He really needed to drive His point about our irresponsibility home last night. I got to Anthony's football practice in just enough time to see him crying about his arm. I took a look at it in all of its bruised and swollen splendor. I looked at Tony and shook my head. "It looks broken to me."

A few hours in the ER, and a few x-rays later we found out that it wasn't broken. That was the good news. The bad news? There's a possibility that there's a growth plate injury. And that could end up being much much worse. So we're watching it. If it doesn't get any better, then we have to take him to his regular doctor for additional care and he may end up in a cast for up to 5 months depending on the severity of the injury.

In the meantime, I will be doing a lot of praying. Despite my sarcasm and occasional wirty dords, I'm a very devout Christian (shocked?) and I keep the Lord in the loop for everything in my life. This will be no exception. I believe in the power of prayer, and trust that God will take care of me and my family. So this situation... or string of situations... is going to be left in His hands, because I know that I'm not strong enough to carry this all on my own.

Love Them!

In case you ever wondered why I loved being a mom so much, this is why:

My 4 kiddos!

This is my 4 kids, plus my little brother (who lives with us) and his girlfriend. I very much consider them my 5th and 6th children.

These 6 kids make not only my day, but my whole life. I am very fortunate to have them. I hope all mothers are as lucky as I am.

Reversal on the Table?

This is new. After all of the fighting and carrying on when we decided to have a fourth child about why having a reversal was a terrible idea, and totally out of the question, Tony is saying that he's thinking that it may be the better option.

Wait, what? When did that change?

I'm not opposed to the reversal. I think that it would be a great thing to do, in theory. But in reality, it's more expensive, and it opens up the possibility of having more than one more child. I guess the more than one more child isn't entirely bad, but that's not the point. Also, I have secondary infertility. I am likely going to need to go to the RE anyway for that, and have to pay for the medications too. So that's like paying for both processes.

I'm just confused. I don't care to do it "the old fashioned way," but I'm just having a hard time figuring out what exactly changed. This is going to be a long process either way. But I think that the reversal way is going to take that much longer. We would have to wait to have the surgery, wait for the recovery, wait for the sperm count to increase, and then wait cycle after cycle to finally get pregnant. Who knows how long it will take for me to actually get back to normal anyway? Not to mention, if Tony is fertile, they may make me wait 12 months until they will put me back on the meds that I need.

Again, confused. I don't know what's going to happen next, but a very special thanks to a good friend who gave me the name and number of her hubby's urologist in case we should decide to go on with the reversal.

Back on Track...

Today has been a very eventful day! I swear, I have been all over this city and back and it's still not even time to pick the older kids up from school. That's just the beginning of my day. There's still football practice, and school pictures to be had tonight. It's just a crazy day in the life of a big family!

Amidst all of the insanity though, I have been doing a good job of keeping up with my diet today. Weight Watchers is a Godsend for someone like me. I love it. I am very excited to be doing it too. The points system helped me lose 90 pounds in the past, and go from this....

November 2006

To this..... (I actually lost another 5 pounds after this one was taken.)

January 2010


Now, I've gained some of that weight back for a lot of reasons since that picture was taken in January. And I'll be honest, I was eating too much, and not working out like I had been when that picture was taken. In May, I did a triathlon and came in fourth! As a treat for all of my hard training, I gave myself food. Again... and again... and again. Then the binging took hold, and, well, here we are...

September 2010

I'm back to 155 pounds and I was feeling absolutely miserable. Until today. I feel awesome today! I had some egg whites with spinach, and lowfat waffles with fruit for breakfast (5 points) a deli turkey sandwich for lunch with steamed veggies, an apple and laughing cow cheese (4 points!!) and for dinner? Who knows? I am supposed to get 27 points right now since I'm still breastfeeding, but being that we're starting the weaning process, I've dropped it down to 22 points (that's how many I would have if I weren't breastfeeding).

As far as working out... no luck yet today. I have a munchkin with an ear infection, so I had to take him to the doctor during my workout time. Maybe I will fit in a run this evening with my oldest kiddo. We're going to do a 5k together in November. It will be her first race!! She's super excited! After this pregnancy, I'm going to get back into racing too. I like triathlons and half marathons... but I'm hoping that one day I'll be finishing the real deal :o)

Dear AJ...

As hard as you may be trying, I am undeterred from having another baby. Though it may be midnight and you're sitting at my feet ripping a piece of paper instead of sleeping soundly in your crib, I'm not scared. You forget, I've done this before. I'm no novice here, I know what I'm doing. And yes, I know what I'm getting myself into in my pursuit of a fifth child. So, this sleep deprivation form of torture you've chosen to inflict will not break me. I'm tough. I'm a mother. Your mother as a matter of fact. And for the record, I'm not thinking of my pillow and quilt right now. I only have eyes for you. I'm watching you take in every little thing between eye rubs and yawns. I love your curiosity. I love everything about you, from the top of your little blond head, to the bottom of your chubby little feet. So stay awake little angel. I will be right here to kiss your cheeks, and rub your head until you're ready to turn in for the night. Then, when we both eventually drift off to sleep, I will dream of the day when a baby will be lucky enough to call you their big brother. In the meantime, you are the baby. My wonderful little baby love. And even at midnight, or 2 am, or 4 am... I consider myself blessed that you are mine, and we have that time together. But that may be the sleep deprivation talking :)

Love,
Your Very Lucky Mom

Try, Try Again...

So the dieting thing went great... for a whole day. But today, I didn't do so well. I'm trying, really I am, but I think that knowing that I have months to try and get things figured out is making me complacent. Typical. I have binge eating disorder, and it's an every day struggle. Not a lot is known about my eating disorder compared to the more popular ones (anorexia nervosa, and bulimia) and some doctors don't like to diagnose it at all, because some sufferers use the diagnosis as a crutch. They use it as an excuse to feed their addiction to food claiming that they have no control. Not me. I fight this every day. For me it's a compulsion. I can stick to a diet most of the time, but it has to be very controlled. I have to set up my meals in advance, sometimes weeks at a time. I live in a very strict box, and the second I step outside that box, even a little, I lose total control. It doesn't even have to be something big, it could be an almond. One. One almond more than I had planned to eat, and I go into a tailspin. It's awful, and I hate it.

Today was one of those days. I'm trying to get past it and move on without making it any worse, but I keep hearing that nagging voice in my head saying "you already screwed up, so you'd better eat as much as you can, as fast as you can." I hope I can get through the rest of the day without getting back to that place where I'm so full that I can't move, or talk, or even breathe. I know what you must be thinking "if it's that horrible, stop doing it." I really really wish it were that simple. But, we all have our issues... that's mine. It could certainly be worse. I need a reminder that this is for my child. I need to get better not only for my future little one, but also the four that I already have. Especially my daughter, she needs me to be a better role model. She's an amazingly beautiful little girl, and I do NOT want her to inherit my relationship with food, or my body image issues.

On a lighter note. I get a new washer tomorrow! WOO HOO! Mine bit the dust a few weeks ago, and it's been a chore to take 7 peoples laundry to and from the laundry mat to wash. It's going to be nice to only have to lug hampers full of stinky clothes a few feet to my laundry room. It may not seem like much, but to a mom of 4, every little convenience helps.

And Sleep...

Let's add getting more sleep to my ever growing list of things to do. Though it seems like an impossible feat, being that I have a baby who doesn't sleep through the night, but I know there are things that can help me get more rest. One being, go to bed earlier! I put my kids to bed between 8 and 8:30, but I don't go to bed until around midnight. Then, the baby gets up around 2-3am and sometimes again at 5-6am. I wake up exhausted. Vicious cycle.

So, maybe if I went to bed before... let's say... 10pm I would get a solid 4 hours before he woke up, and maybe 7-8 hours per night! That would be nice. But quiet is nice too. And when everyone is in bed, and only I am left in this great big house it's like bliss. I actually have time to watch TV, or talk to friends on facebook, or update this blog, and I end up staying up later than I should. So, I'm going to make a conscious effort to get myself to bed at a decent time. I know that once I am able to finally get pregnant that sleep is going to be necessary , so I'd better get it figured out now.

We'll see how tonight goes, but for now I have 3 kids to get off to school. Plus, a spoiled 12 month old who really wants his french toast... like, now.

Preparing the Vessel...

Since I know we're going to be trying to have another baby soon, I think I should probably detoxify the barren wasteland that is my body. I swear, at the moment my body is stuffed with so many preservatives, if I died right now, I would still be rotting in 3,000 years. So, I need to change that. Who has two thumbs and would rather be dust than a museum exhibit in the future? THIS GIRL!

So I had a pumpkin spice latte, a bowl of peanut butter and chip ice cream, and some chili spaghetti to bid adeiu to my digustingly delicious eating habits. Tomorrow, it's time to get this body ready to successfully carry the person that God is creating for our family as we speak. Tomorrow I'm kicking caffeine, refined sugar, fried foods, and whole dairy (the four major food groups). I'm limiting my sodium, upping my water, and starting a new workout plan that will hopefully carry me into, and through a pregnancy. Lord willing.

All of that amounts to what I'm sure is going to be a hellacious weekend. It's going to be a tough weekend of detox, but after that, I should feel so much better. With cool fall air approaching, it's going to be nice to head out for long walks (or jogs) again. I love this season. It may seem to everyone else like things are dying in fall, but having three of my four children in this season, fall has always felt like a time of rebirth to me. I look forward to it all year long.

So wish me luck. Chances are, I will be bitching about wanting something unhealthy by the end of tomorrow. God grant me the strength to do what is best for my future child. My body will be his/her home for 9 months, and (s)he deserves the coziest uterus in the world.

Here We Go Again...

In October of 2008, Tony and I decided that we were going to try and have our fourth baby.

After being blessed with three amazing babies, we figured we were done, and Tony underwent a vasectomy. We figured three was the magic number, and we would never want any more kids. We were wrong. After a few years my biological clock stopped ticking, and started blaring that fuzzy God awful rock music that comes on when you set the alarm to the music setting, but it's between stations... you know what I mean. That horrible sound that sends you screeching toward the ceiling at 5am like a cat out of an old cartoon, that sound. I ignored it as long as I could, but once it started being accompanied by the hollow whistle of my empty uterus, I knew it was time to broach the subject of baby number four. I admit, it wasn't the easiest thing to bring up, after all, the vasectomy was sort of my idea. Tony hates surgery, for any reason. He's been operated on so many times that he's understandably put off by the thought of any type of surgery for any reason. I think he would actually think of turning down a heart transplant if it weren't for the fact that I would divorce him. I've told him plenty of times that I will sooner be a divorcee than a widow. But I digress...

In summer 2008 I begged and pleaded for one baby, just one more baby, and I would never bother him again, scout's honor. He told me no, and no, and then no again. For months I tried to coerce him, but he, under NO circumstances was going under the knife again, particularly where is manly bits were concerned. So, I gave up. Yes me, Mrs. Determination, folded like a lawn chair and gave up (even though I knew we had samples stored in case such baby fever should arise in the future). I couldn't believe it. Neither did he. It was about a week later while I was cooking dinner he came up to me and asked me the now infamous question, "why did you stop bothering me about having a baby?" What ho? Okay men, I'm sure you see the flaw in that question, right? Your nagging wife stops bothering you for a few days, and then you ask an open ended question? Folly.

Apparently a friend of Tony's at work had announced that he and his wife were expecting earlier that day, and all of the sudden the sound of crackling def metal was going off inside of his head. So, we made a decision that day to hit the snooze on our biological alarm, and have another child. But that brought on a host of new issues. Namely, the vasectomy. To reverse or not to reverse, that was the question. Tony was definitely not in any hurry to have another surgery, and besides, if he was fertile again, we may have accidental pregnancies in the future... and what if the reversal failed? We would have to see a fertility specialist anyway, and the costs would just go from there. IVF? ICSI? If there was a low count, even IUI would be out of the question. What were we going to do?

After some soul searching, and some researching, we decided to move ahead with IUI w/our frozen sperm. I for one didn't want him to have to go through the reversal, especially with the possibility of failure. The pain and recovery would be all for not. I didn't want him to have to go through all of it again. And a reversal requires general anesthesia, of which he is not a fan. So we acquired our samples, went to the RE and started tracking my cycles, and wouldn't you know it? I was diagnosed with secondary infertility. Freaking bummer. So I did a few cycles of Clomid before I started ovulating, but the first cycle that I did... BOOM, pregnant! We were very blessed.

September 2009 brought our fourth child, our third baby boy, AJ. He's a little squishy ball of adorable sunshine. He is the absolute light of our lives. They all are. And that leads us to present day. We have another sample, and another chance to add to our family. So, we're going to try for #5. Tony has offered again to have the reversal, but I have the same reservations. So, in February (tax returns help a lot where infertility is concerned) we're going back to the RE with our remaining samples and we hope that he can help us have our next baby. Otherwise, we may have to go the reversal route just so we can't be turned down. Who knows? I don't know if reproductive endocrinologists are like bartenders, and can cut you off any time they think you've had enough.

The only thing I do know is that I was put on this Earth to be a mother. It's about the only thing I'm good at. And you know what they say right? Find what you're good at, and stick to it. I just happen to be exceptional at getting knocked up.