Try, Try Again...

So the dieting thing went great... for a whole day. But today, I didn't do so well. I'm trying, really I am, but I think that knowing that I have months to try and get things figured out is making me complacent. Typical. I have binge eating disorder, and it's an every day struggle. Not a lot is known about my eating disorder compared to the more popular ones (anorexia nervosa, and bulimia) and some doctors don't like to diagnose it at all, because some sufferers use the diagnosis as a crutch. They use it as an excuse to feed their addiction to food claiming that they have no control. Not me. I fight this every day. For me it's a compulsion. I can stick to a diet most of the time, but it has to be very controlled. I have to set up my meals in advance, sometimes weeks at a time. I live in a very strict box, and the second I step outside that box, even a little, I lose total control. It doesn't even have to be something big, it could be an almond. One. One almond more than I had planned to eat, and I go into a tailspin. It's awful, and I hate it.

Today was one of those days. I'm trying to get past it and move on without making it any worse, but I keep hearing that nagging voice in my head saying "you already screwed up, so you'd better eat as much as you can, as fast as you can." I hope I can get through the rest of the day without getting back to that place where I'm so full that I can't move, or talk, or even breathe. I know what you must be thinking "if it's that horrible, stop doing it." I really really wish it were that simple. But, we all have our issues... that's mine. It could certainly be worse. I need a reminder that this is for my child. I need to get better not only for my future little one, but also the four that I already have. Especially my daughter, she needs me to be a better role model. She's an amazingly beautiful little girl, and I do NOT want her to inherit my relationship with food, or my body image issues.

On a lighter note. I get a new washer tomorrow! WOO HOO! Mine bit the dust a few weeks ago, and it's been a chore to take 7 peoples laundry to and from the laundry mat to wash. It's going to be nice to only have to lug hampers full of stinky clothes a few feet to my laundry room. It may not seem like much, but to a mom of 4, every little convenience helps.