So, last night was the season finale of 16& Pregnant, and I have to say that it was an emotional roller coaster! I think that watching Ashley agonize over what to do with her daughter was the most real situation I've ever seen on that show. I know that millions tune in week after week to watch a bunch of kids struggle to raise babies, but up until last night, it was just a show. Last night, I think they finally succeeded in living up to their genre... docu-drama.
Week after week, we always watch naive girls get the ultimate wake-up call when they become mothers... but few of them actually grow up. You very seldom get to see the weight of their decision, they say "well, I was going to college, I was going to do this" but you never saw the reality of it until last night. Last night it came full circle for me, having lived that life once. You saw her make a life plan for herself and her daughter, and then when she fell in love, she was ready to give it all up for her child. For most of the teen moms, adoption isn't an option from the moment the stick turns blue, and the ones who did give up their baby didn't waiver much in their decisions. Well, mostly anyway. Ashley knew what she was giving up, she was right there, on the precipice of her dreams. She could reach out and touch her future, and all it took was one look at her child and it threw everything she thought she knew into question. It simply didn't matter anymore.
I was the same way, but I was a fair deal younger than most of the moms on 16& Pregnant. (I know it says "16" in the title, but most of the girls are high school seniors whereas I got pregnant at the end of the summer after freshman year though I didn't find out until I was a couple of weeks into school).
I relate to Ashley, because I agonized over the same decision... do I give my baby up for adoption, or keep her? I said the exact same thing that Ashley said when I saw my baby for the first time "I can't let her go." I could feel every emotion that she was going through, and my stomach was in knots through most of the episode. And at the end, I cried. I wanted her to keep her baby. I wanted her to see hope, to see that things could get better. I knew, just by watching her that she would live to regret her decision. Don't get me wrong, adoption is wonderful for a lot of birth moms... but Ashley didn't strike me as one of those moms. She's no Caitlyn. She will absolutely regret this decision, and worse, the baby will be in her family and she will have to face her at every family function and wonder if she did what was right. When her life is stable, she will want her daughter back. I had enough foresight to see that when I was making the same decision. I knew... no, I had faith that things would end up okay for me and my children. I trusted God to take care of us, and He did. My heart breaks for Ashley. I'm considering not watching the check-in episode next week, because I'm afraid she'll say that she made a mistake. But maybe I'll watch and be pleasantly surprised, and she'll say that she's at peace with her decision. But, she reminds me so much of me that I have a hard time believing that she'll ever make peace with herself. Sad. Although it was nice to see the end, where she was visiting New York to tour the college. Honestly though, I don't think that college will fill the void. I don't think that anything will. She could have done it, she was strong enough to do it all. She was stronger than I was, and I was 15.
The worst part was that when it ended I just sobbed. I'm actually fighting tears now just thinking about it. My children are my life, and the thought of never being able to carry another breaks my heart down to dust... I see myself in Ashley. Not trusting, trying to make the "right" decision for a child (who in my case doesn't even exist), and being plagued by all of the doubts. Am I doing the right thing? Will I regret this? How will it be in 5 years if our lives are wonderful and I didn't have another child, because I didn't have hope? Because I didn't trust.
I can't write anymore.
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