Today has been a rough day, and even though we saw it coming, I'm still floored by reality. Things are about to become the way that they're going to be... forever, and I'm not ready for that. But it is what it is. Tony had said something about failing... and while I agree that we are coming up short here and there, we're really losing sight of the important things. Especially me. I think at the core of it, we have been failing. This life we live, it isn't the one we were supposed to be living, it just sort of fell in our laps, and because of that, we were trying to capitalize on... well, capital. We had money, and we wanted to have as much as we could for as long as we could and we minimized our love as a result. See, when we were dirt poor we were fine, and we were happy. We were also abundantly blessed with and by our children. Then came the money. And when we talked about kids it became "money this" and "money that." Forget the fact that God had been taking care of us just fine up to that point. We had troubles sure, but we didn't dwell on them, we just took them as they came and made every day the very best that it could be.
Enter money.
"How are we going to save money?" "How are we going to pay for this?" "Can we buy [enter unnecessary piece of random crap here]?"
"I know how.... let's cut our losses and stop having children. Screw the fact that everything up to this point has been perfect, simple."
I hate this place we're in right now. It wasn't supposed to be this way. We were supposed to be poor, but happy. And we were supposed to be surrounded by as many children as God had planned for us before we took matters out of His hands and into ours.
It's making me crazy, and it's making life difficult... and worse, unenjoyable. I miss happiness.
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