It's been a trying couple of weeks, but I'm hoping that things will start to get better as the days wear on. I don't know if I'm having a hormone shift or what, but I am feeling a little bit like I'm losing my mind. I feel some of my less desirable tendencies coming to the surface. Like, my inability to finish things, feeling "less than" in every facet of my life, and then there's my inability to make a solid decision. I am really bad for that. I think that alone should disqualify me from being a mother... but I've already crossed that bridge four times. I'm so thankful that they don't make parents take a test before letting them leave with their child, or else I would be totally out of luck.
My biggest problem is that I'm very creative. Most people would call that a strength, unless you're applying every imaginary scenario to your life on a daily basis. I think of all of the things I want, every day. I think of all the things I've never had, the things I had, but lost... and all of the things I wish I could do for/give to others, but it's just impossible. I feel like a first time mom all over again. It's like I'm one of those 30-something career women who go back and forth on when the "perfect" time to start a family is. You know the ones. The women who have an impossible list of criteria that they have to meet to take that leap and become a mother. But I also don't want to be one of those women who just does everything on a whim. And that's difficult, because that is my personality in a nutshell. I'm trying to think everything through, what mother doesn't? But I'm letting all of my back and forth ruin my current day to day life.
I'm stressing out WAY TOO MUCH. I would love to be in a situation where I could just "let whatever happens, happen." But it's not going to happen. Tony told me today that we're only going to give it one shot, and then I "have to move on." I guess he'll be ready to move on after that, but I'm not sure that I will. I guess I won't have much of a choice though will I? The thought of going through the process (Meds/IUI) again, and having nothing to show for it is daunting. It's making me question whether or not it would be worth the heartache of failure. But it's looking like we're not going to be able to afford the vasectomy reversal since the urologist wants the nearly $5k (which isn't actually expensive for a reversal) up front. That, my friends, is not going to happen.
I suppose that's why adopting has been popping up in my mind so much lately. Though I want to go through another pregnancy, and birth of another child, it may be better to adopt. At least then you're looking at more of a sure thing. I would try my hardest to adopt through the county's department of family services. There are so many children born into the system that it's ridiculous. But adoption takes a lot of time, and I honest to God do not want to wait the years that Tony would want to wait to adopt. I would want to start the process immediately, but that's my impatience. I guess the majority of me wants my family to feel complete. It doesn't. Fantastic... I'm talking myself in circles again.
Oh how I wish I were made of money.
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