Waiting...

On my pregnancy symptoms to really start. I knew when I got my positive test early that I would be waiting on that "pregnant feeling" to catch up to the news. I always get nervous though, when I'm not immediately sick, or my boobs don't automatically hurt, or I'm not passing out from fatigue. I know a lot of women HATE to have all of the "negative" symptoms of pregnancy, but I say BRING IT ON! These symptoms are just a way for my little one to say "it's ok Mom, I'm here." This early on in pregnancy, when you aren't showing, and nothing is kicking you, it's hard to remember that you're pregnant at all without those symptoms.

On that note, I have continued to take pregnancy test after pregnancy test, just to make sure that they are still positive. I'm terrified that I'm going to wake up from this dream I've been having where everything was right with the world, and I was expecting another baby. I think the only thing that I have had since I found out is some food aversions, and some cramping. Otherwise, it's just buisness as usual.

My blood pressure was down today, and I have been trying to eat really good... but Tony kind of bullied me into eating fast food for dinner. I don't think that he meant to, but it goes back to him manipulating me. I was fine to eat at home but he kept talking about how we didn't have anything, and then he brought up something from Wendy's that I had previously mentioned wanting to try, and the dance continued. We ended up with fast food, I ended up with a tummy ache, and then I was pretty upset with him and didn't really kiss him goodnight. Even before he left to go and get the food, I told him that I really didn't want to eat fast food, and I was rooting through the fridge to find something else that I could eat. This is the first time he's manipulated me like that since I broke down and talked to him about it. So, I'm going to let it slide, just this once. But if he ever does it again, and I'm in a position where I end up doing something that I really didn't want to do to begin with, just because he wanted it... we will have a problem.

Anyway, I'd like to drop that subject please! LOL. On to happier things to think about. Like baby names. I don't want to jump the gun too much, but choosing baby name is my ALL TIME FAVORITE part of being pregnant! I think that our girl name is pretty much set... Anabel Charlotte, but there is another contender that I keep counting out, but then it gets right back up again. Avangeline. I LOVE IT. But it's so close to our surname that I keep thinking that there's no way I can use it. But then I think "well, we could call her Ava." I don't know, I guess I will work out a middle name for Avangeline and then decide when I meet the baby. A boy's name is not even on the table right now. Tony likes Adam. I do too, it's super cute for a little boy, but I don't know. I think it's a little plain. But simple can be good too. A good middle name would be Gabriel, which I really like, and there's no reason that the baby couldn't go by Gabe. Eh, I don't know. I'm still a little in love with Archer and Asher, and with either of those names comes the name Ronan, which I think is an uber masculine name, and would offset the more feminine Asher perfectly. But again, we will have to wait and see.

I just can't believe that I'm in a position to even think seriously about baby names. I can't wait until I get to meet this little one! I'm elated over this whole pregnancy :)

Hiatus...

So, I deleted the blog for a while because I just sort of figured that we were out of the baby game and nothing but heartache was going to come of constantly talking about how much I wanted a baby. So, I closed down the blog and tried to move on. Then, last month by some miracle we were able to give getting pregnant one last shot. Imagine my shock when I found out this morning that I AM PREGNANT!

Well, I guess technically I found out yesterday. I took a First Response Early Result test 2 days ago and there was a line so faint that I couldn't even be sure that it was a line at all, and then yesterday I took another First Response and it was a smidgen darker. I was over the moon when that happened, so I broke out a Clear Blue Easy Digital test and there it was staring at me "NOT PREGNANT." Boo. I shrugged my shoulders and attributed it to the fact that I was only 10 days past ovulation. However, as the day wore on, I kept second guessing the First Response test. I remembered reading somewhere that they were so sensitive that they could produce false positives. So, I lingered on that thought, or rather, worry all day long.

When I woke up this morning, I was out of First Response tests, so I got one of my wonderful WalMart tests out and figured I would give it a shot. It was positive within the time frame which was good, but over time the line started to fade. Lucky for me, I collected my... uh, specimen? In a cup so I got my last digital test out and prayed.

I think I did a Jersey Shore style fist pump and then sent this picture to Tony who is equally elated.

Now it's about staying healthy and hoping for the best. One of the first things that tipped me off that this may have worked way on July 3rd, I went to the store to buy the pregnancy tests and stopped at the little kiosk where you can check your blood pressure, and mine was a little higher than it has ever been, so that worried me a little. I'm going to plan on getting myself to a healthier place though to take better care of me and baby. I'm going to limit my sodium and processed food (eat closer to nature) and try and get to the gym at least 5 days a week. I may look for a nice swimsuit that will fit over an expanding belly so that I can get in some laps since it's good, low impact exercise later in my pregnancy. Next week, I will start back with lifting some light weights, and getting in a 1/2 hour of cardio a day. This baby deserves the best vessel possible and with my blood pressure already a little on the rise, I don't want to go down the preeclampsia road.

I am blissfully happy right now, but in all honesty, I'm a little worried. Like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have lived such a blessed life, that I think that the universe is going to eventually have to correct itself. I'm trying to let go, and let God so that I can find peace... that's helping. But at the same time, I see all four of my amazing children and wonder if I'm pushing my luck. I hope not. This will more than likely be our last child, just because it's going to become a financial strain, and the longer I have a baby at home, the longer I have to wait to go back to work and start contributing to this family financially. So, we have pushed this as far as we can, really. I will be creeping up on my 27th birthday when this little one is due... and I think that will be a good time for us to stop. I mean, I knew I would have to stop sometime. But something inside of me just didn't see a complete picture when I looked at our family. So, I am just hoping and praying, and praying and hoping that this little one hangs in there, and comes into our life, and completes our picture.

Update...

Just quickly I will say that things have been difficult recently. I'm not going to go into the details of everything right now because it's really fresh, but I will say that right now I am going through the end of a chemical pregnancy (very early miscarriage). I plan to make a doctor appointment in a couple of weeks to make sure that everything is back to normal and no other medical intervention is needed. Other than that, physically I'm fine. I will make a more in depth post later if I'm up to it, but for now that's all I've got.

Confused...

Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking about a lot of things, and I just can't figure out which way is up. So if you don't want to read an agonizingly boring post about my life, then move along... I won't judge you. Everything I write is pretty much rhetorical anyway, and I just use this blog as my personal journal to get things off my chest.

I cried the other day in the middle of Bob Evans at the thought of not being able to have any more children. It breaks my heart to think that this part of my life may be over and I can't imagine living out the rest of my life never being pregnant again, or never having another baby. But it's really beginning to look like a reality. I think that when I actually said it out loud to Tony over lunch the other day that he took a deep sigh of relief. I think he wants another baby, but he's looking at the reality and not the romance of that decision, whereas I'm the opposite. I know that realistically, this is a huge undertaking, but I'm in love with the idea of being pregnant again, and having another baby. It makes me understand my mother a little bit more.

And then there is the twins thing. I know it seems silly, but ever since we lost baby B in my pregnancy with Aidan, I have felt robbed of my chance at mothering twins. It seems like everyone around me is having a set, and yet, I lost out on mine. I am missing a child right now. I can't make that feeling go away either. Some days I think about how hard it is to deal with one baby and 'who in the world would want all that work times 2?" But since it's something that I feel I was supposed to have, I get sad thinking about not being able to have them myself.

Everything else in life is pretty much the same. Andie is a spoiled brat, Anthony is a wild child, and Aidan is a monster as usual.... Aaron is following right in his rotten footsteps. Day in and day out, it's all pretty much the same. I think a lot about milestones, and how I don't have any more to reach. I'm in a place where everything is calm in my life. But it leaves me with nothing of my own to look forward to. I've already graduated, gotten married, and had my children. Most of that happened before I was done being a teenager! So here I am, nearly 26 and going through my midlife crisis. It's quite unsettling. I wish I was on the precipice of my milestones. But even if I left Tony, got remarried, and had another child, sure I would have things to look forawrd to, but it's all second hand by then anyway. Besides, that would also require the tearing apart of my current life, which isn't going to happen.

Everything I have left to look forward to in my life aren't my milestones. They're my kids' milestones yet to come. It's up to me now to make sure that they don't screw it up. I don't want their shining moments to be dimmed because they've seen a brighter light.

This pertains to my weight too. Every time I get close to my goal weight I quit and gain the weight back. I always think that "it can wait because I can lose the weight whenever." But I think what it really is, is the fact that this is my last thing. Losing the weight is my last milestone. If I do it, then I truly have nothing else to look forward to in my own life. That is my last challenge. If I conquer it, then what? I know it seems selfish. I know that I have so much to look forward to in the lives of those people that I love... but those will be their accomplishments. I'm just not ready to live the life of a spectator yet. I'm too young. I have so much that I wanted to do that I will never be able to get done. I'm already the old woman who watches everyone live their lives because she's done everything that she could have done with her life. The difference is that I'm 25. I'm not ready to be done. I'm not ready to sit on the sidelines of life now. But there's nothing left for me.

Proud Mommy...

My biggest issue with myself is my relationship with food and my weight. I was raised being told that I was fat, and that made me worth less as a person than my sisters and brothers who were not fat like I was. Seriously, my parents made me believe this. My father put me on a diet when I was 2 years old, because he put me in dance class, and I was going to be a prima ballerina some day, and ballerinas didn't have baby fat. My Dad once sang a song to my sister and I when we were young, and the refrain was "Jackie is as skinny as a pencil, and Chrissy is so chubby like an apple." Well, I didn't want to be an apple.

Once when I was about 5, my father said "Chrissy, you look pretty today." And unfortunately, being 5, I said "I know." Well, of course I knew! I put on my prettiest dress, and brushed my hair and put on fancy shoes with the sole purpose of looking pretty. So, again, being 5 my answer was "I know." And his reply was "Well, that was conceited. You're supposed to say thank you, being conceited is ugly. Even if you look like the prettiest girl in the world, if you say 'i know,' that makes you ugly." So as a 5 year old, I thought that meant that even when I thought I was pretty that I would be ugly. I didn't wear a dress again until 6th grade graduation and even then it was a skort outfit.

I have never really recovered and deal with self confidence issues and self destructive behaviors as a result.

One of my goals as a mother is to raise children who want to be healthy and active, but are comfortable with their bodies, and always feel beautiful. When my daughter was little, I told her that she was beautiful, and when she replied with I know, as I had at the same age, her father and I sat her down and said "You're damn right you're beautiful!" And she still knows that she is grogeous, because we make sure that she hears it every day.

She came to me a few days ago, and asked me a question that I wouldn't have thought to ask at her age... "Mom, can I run a 5k?" I looked at her a little confused and gave the obvious reply, "Do you know how far that is?" Well, she did. And she still wanted to do it! I'm very proud of her. I love to run, well I love to run now. I hated it in the beginning, and only did it because I thought that it would help me be less of an apple. I was right though, I dropped weight like crazy (though that likely had a little to do with the lack of calories and the fact that I was breastfeeding... my husband still maintains that I looked emaciated) but I wasn't doing it from a place of "I want to be healthy, I want to be an athlete," but she is. She wants to be strong, she wants to challenge herself, and I will be right there to get her through it.

It's exactly one month away! So there will be an update on race day :)

Pregnant Women EVERYWHERE!

A psychologist would just say that I'm seeing pregnant women everywhere because pregnancy is at the forefront of my mind... but I think that perhaps there really is something in the water! I cannot turn my head without seeing at least one pregnant woman somewhere. At least I'm safe in my own home lol.

And TWINS! Oh my gosh! They are everywhere too! I think maybe the LORD is trying to desensitize me to the sight of twins. Ever since we lost baby B, 6 years ago, I haven't been able to stand the sight of twins, but recently they are popping up everywhere. At least 5 people I know have had a set, or have gotten pregnant with a set (yet to be born) in the last year, and last month there was a week where I saw a set a day for each of the 7 days. It was outrageous. I would have given anything to carry both of my babies to term, and it breaks my heart still that I couldn't... but time heals all wounds, right?

I still feel like I would LOVE to be pregnant right now, even though I understand the reasons why we are waiting. I still wish upon every star, at every 11:11, and on every eyelash that we are able to have just enough money to get the vasectomy reversal done. Hindsight is 20/20 and if I had known then what I know now, we never would have done it to begin with. Now it's just about trying to fix our mistake, my mistake. But what I wouldn't give to be able to make this work now :(

I've Come to Realize...

That sometimes I come off like a real spoiled brat. I'm going to work on that.

I'm going to work on a lot of things really, starting with the kids. I stopped training for the figure competitions because I got a real look at how that was affecting my family, and household. Chores aren't getting done (but who needs laundry anyway, right?) and the kids weren't getting the attention they needed. My daughter's grades are falling because I've been in such a rush to get to the gym on time that I haven't been giving her the one on one time with her homework that she was used to. People used to ask me why I didn't do things for myself, and it was because I was afraid that everything else would fall apart... and I was right.

On top of that, living in a state of depletion in my diet was shortening my temper and I was yelling first and asking questions later. No one deserves that. I seemed unhappy all of the time, and even though I wasn't, it's all about perception. If my kids thought that I was sad or depressed, then it didn't matter if I wasn't. And then there was my deteriorating relationship with food, and the way I would go on about how fat and disgusting I was... way to be a role model to a pre-teen girl, right?

I guess that's what you get when you don't focus on anyone but yourself. I don't know how I managed to do it for so long.

But I'm moving on now. My weight is going to be pushed very very far away from my mind, and my focus is going to be on my responsibilities, and the extraordinary honor I have of being a mother to these four amazing children. I hate that I lost sight of the most important things in my life. It's time to get back on track.

More Me Time...

Looks like everything is going to get pushed back... again. I'm training very hard (the last 3 days aside) for these figure competitions, so baby is on the back burner. I think that Tony's happier about that than he's letting on. Not because he doesn't want a baby right now (at least I hope that's not the case) but because it's going to give us a little more wiggle room financially.

Did I mention I hate money?

I'm in a dark place right now anyway with my body, so we're going to see how that goes. You would think that trying to get into the best shape of your life would be empowering and inspiring... but it's just hard really. And just as mentally draining as it is physically. I'm not going to lie, some days I wish I were pregnant just so I didn't have to think about eating. If I were pregnant, and I were hungry, I would eat. If I craved something, I would eat it... and knowing that I am not going on a diet on Monday, I wouldn't feel like I needed to eat it all at once. I sincerely miss that freedom, especially now that I know not only every single thing that goes into my body, but its macronutrient breakdown too. Do any of you know what a macronutrient is? Yeah, didn't think so.

Anyway, that's my fussing for the day. I hope I can find some patience or something because I just don't want to get sad again.

Impatient.

Today has been one of those days when I would have given just about anything to have the money to do Tony's vasectomy reversal now. It's been a stressful time lately, and all I want is to know that this is going to happen for us. I'm ready to start trying... actually trying, to get pregnant.

I want to count the days of my cycle, I want to feel that thick anticipation that is the 'two week wait,' and I want to ask myself if every twinge or passing feeling is a sign that we've finally done it.... We've finally made another little miracle. I'm just so ready.

Maybe it's because I'm a little crazy being a prospective figure competitor, but I think that it's more than that. I've been so consumed lately with all things fitness, that I haven't had a chance to really be a mom. And in the short moments that I have to just enjoy my kids, I'm too drained and depleated to do so. And you know, it's only going to get worse in the coming weeks.

Don't get me wrong, I want to do this competition... No, I'm going to do this competition, and I AM excited about it... but it would be nice if I could just have a little "ooops" and a wonderful little excuse to put my kids back on the forefront of my mind.

It's not forever though. These past 8 weeks have gone pretty quickly, and I imagine the remaining 11 will also pass with the same haste. At least, I can hope right? In the meantime, it's all I can do to just stay awake, and poor Tony is stuck being Mom and Dad for a while. I think he will be more excited than I am when the day comes, and I'm back to 100% Mommy.

Counting Down the Days...

One of the things that keeps me going on my journey to my figure competition is knowing that there is life afterward... paticularly a baby. Sometimes I sit and get lost in the thoughts about a pregnancy, and a newborn, and all of the wonderful things that come with it. I'm so ready to get this show on the road.

We are starting to save money for the vasectomy reversal now, in hopes that we have it all together by July. But I notice that Tony keeps saying little things like "are you sure you wouldn't rather do IUI again," and "if we have the money, do you think we could pay for it and schedule it for a later time, like September or October?" It makes me wonder why he's asking these questions, and I wonder a little if he's going to take the vasectomy reversal off the table again. ::sigh::

I guess we will see as time goes on. I'm going to keep hoping though.

Hi, My Name is "Quitter"...

I don't know what it is about my personailty that makes me a quitter, but it is definitely my biggest flaw. I always get a goal in mind, and then work like a mad women to acheive it, and then, right when I'm on the precipice of finishing, I Quit. Every. Single. Time. It's like the thrill of the hunt I guess... you chase something for so long, and then when you're right there, you second guess yourself and decide maybe it's not worth it... only to backslide, and then start the chase all over again at a later time. That is me in a nutshell where my weightloss is concerned. I have gotten within 7 pounds of goal TWICE and then quit. And here I am again, standing on the edge of success and as I toe the line, I'm thinking "I don't think I want to do this any more. I'm making everyone in my life crazy, I'm going to try to get pregnant anyway, so how important is being skinny anyway?" Chrissy, the habitual quitter.

My entire life, all I could ever think about or talk about is my weight. I let it impact every single facet of my life. I go to sleep thinking about it, I dream about it, and then it's the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning. I will talk for hours about my "goals" about my workouts and what I ate that day, but I don't really have anything else that's mine. Maybe it's subconcious? Maybe because my weight is the only thing that really belongs to me, I get scared at the end that I'm going to lose that thing that I'm always fighting for, so I stop.... I gain some back, so I can fight it back off again? I don't know what it is, but it's eating me alive. I don't know what to do about it.

Sadly, Tony is the only one I can go to about it, and I'm making him insane. He's having his own problems with work, and not sleeping, and God knows what else (God has to know, because I sure don't) but all we talk about is my next workout, or my next meal, or "did that rep count? Should I do another set?" I think I'm stressing him to death. I just wish I could find a place where I am happy to be normal. Just eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner without having to analyze everything. But I have never been normal and I don't even know where to start. I have always felt like I NEEDED to do or be something amazing, but I'm not. I keep trying to be better, to be great to make up for all of the things that I never did in my life. But all I really want is to be normal, and to be okay with that. I want to be the best mother I can be, the best wife I can be, and then I make these HUGE goals that are too big for me and they consume me. I feel like I talk such a big game that I have given everyone some expectation of me to get to these goals, to be what I said I would be. So, then I isolate myself, so no one can see what a failure I was... am. I quit. It's what I do, and then I push everyone away so no one will know that I quit. But then it wears on me, so I start again. But it's never normalcy. I never have a day that is just a day.

I just want a day.

Juggling Funds...

Right now, there's a possiblilty that we could have the money in place to get pregnant much sooner than we thought... like next month. That's way earlier than I anticipated originally and I'm excited about it. There's a way that we could have the money in hand right now, but it's financially risky, so we're going to wait.

It's really beginning to look like we're going to do the vasectomy reversal (per my friend's reccomendation of a good doctor :) and I'm excited about the whole "trying" aspect of it again. If you go through IUI like we did to conceive our last child, it works, or it doesn't. It's not much fun, and if you're not made of money, then there are only so many times that you can try and fail. So, the thought of being able to have the reversal and have an unlimited amount of times to try takes some of the pressure off. Besides... doing it the old fashioned way is way more fun ;)

I am going to go ahead and talk to my OBGYN about getting my cycles on track to make conception a little more likely, since I don't ovulate regularly. Also, as soon as the reversal is done, I'm going to cut back my diet and exercise regime to allow for my cycles to normalize a little also. Right now, my diet is too strict, and my workouts are too intense to support fertility... so that needs to change. Though, I do plan on sticking to a moderate exercise routine, and a sensible diet while I'm pregnant (sensible as in, not eating fast food every day lol... because let's face it, when you're craving something really bad, how sensible can you be?) I want to remain healthy throughout my pregnancy and after. Last time, I lost weight too quickly after the baby was born, and my milk supply suffered for it. I am going to take better care to keep that from happening this time around.

Lastly, we changed the baby girl's name... Tony wasn't crazy about Addison, so we may swap it out for Abigail Brynna. We don't plan on finding out the sex this time around, so we're going to pick 2 boy names and 2 girl names and see which name fits our newest addition when the time comes.

I hope everything manages to come together. I'm ready.

In a Perfect World....

In a perfect world, Tony would be able to get an amazing job that allows him to be home a lot, he would get a vasectomy reversal, and we would live out the rest of our lives just having as many babies as the good Lord blessed us with...

Strike that...

I said perfect world...

Let's forget the job and win the lottery.

Baby Names...

We are all over the place with baby names. We will think of one we like, then forget it, and pick a totally different one all the while thinking... "what was that one name we said?" So, in an effort to not forget the ones we're sifting through at the moment, I'm going to jot them down here so I can revisit them later.

Originally it was easy...
Ashley Ronan (boy)
Anabel Marie-Kathryn (girl)

... but lets face it. I really really hate the name Ashley for a boy, and the girl name I keep going back to, thinking it's too long. So we're coming up with some other options.

Boy names of the week...
Asher and Archer... middle names run the gamut though from Christopher, to Scott, to Gabriel, etc... But Asher Scott is by far the front runner at the moment.

Girls names for the week...

Addison Brynna and Anabel Charlotte. (I honestly hope I have twin girls so I can use both of these names lol)

So that's my baby thoughts of the day. I just want to get pregnant... like right now. There are tons of reasons, one of which being this darn body challenge. I think it may kill me. The dieting is going to drive me mad. I have dreams about food, and even in my dreams I'm having to turn down cookies and pizza. I swear I'm about to snap and clean out the nearest pizza buffet. It's seriously messing with my head. I can't quit now though. I hope that the results continue to be such that I can keep going without leaving my husband for an Italian chef with a thing for fat chicks.

It's much harder than I imagined it would be, and I knew going in that it was going to be hard. I keep seeing this finish line though. That's good when it comes to making a push to the end, but it's bad in the respect that I'm looking at this as a temporary thing and not a life long change. I am going to have to figure it out though because I'm going on with it one way or another. At least if I got pregnant, no one would blame me for gaining a little weight lol.

In the meantime, I'm off to the gym... again. Maybe I will be able to stop thinking of food for the hour and a half that I am there. 6.5 weeks left until the challenge is over and I learn how to maintain the physique I'm building right now.

Waiting, Waiting, Waiting...

Always waiting for something. So, I've decided since a pregnancy is still a possibility, I'm going to go ahead and start tracking my cycles and see how they're working out. It's been a long time since I've even given my cycles a thought, and I'm pretty sure this is only the third one I've had post partum (the fact that I'm not sure lends itself to the reality that I'm going to have to start tracking them). So, overnight Monday into Tuesday I started my new cycle. Not sure if I should call that February 14th or 15th, so I'm going to keep both dates on the books for now and see what next month brings.

In the meantime, I'm still moving ahead with the body challenge. I'm really starting to love the changes I'm seeing, and while staying away from my favorite foods is a chore (to say the least) it gets more and more worth it each passing day. Yes people, that's right, I'm getting hott! (yes the second "T" was necessary). Don't get me wrong, I'm not vain, not in the least, but I have put so much hard work into this so far that not to recognize the amazing things that my body is doing would be doing it a terrible injustice. In 6 weeks (nearly, tomorrow is Day 1 of week 6, so really it's been 5 complete weeks) I have changed a lot of things about my body, I'm thinner, I'm stronger, and I'm an all around healthier person. It feels nice to be able to pull something out of my closet and not have to do the "does this make me look fat from this angle?" dance in the mirror.

It's been a long time since I've been comfortable with my body, and it's a feeling I've long forgotten. Let me say this, it feels amazing. I think that I may just wear a bikini this summer... stetch marks and all... I'm only 25 after all. I won't be able to do that without raising eyebrows for much longer lol. I may pick a "grown up" costume for Halloween this year (assuming I'm not pregnant of course) and flaunt my hard work. You have to understand that my body has never been mine. I have been a parent for most of my life. I was a mom before I was old enough to wear a bikini... so I've never felt comfortable in one. To be in a place where I am embracing my body is a huge step for me. I'm starting to feel beautiful, something I've never felt before. I'm waiting for the day when I can look in the mirror and smile because the woman staring back at me is a peace with herself... not poking love handles and jiggling her belly around. I'm proud of the work that I have done/ am doing, and every day I get closer to being proud of my body in general.

Working it Out...

Things around here have been better than ever... save for a little tiff Tony and I had yesterday. The house has been immaculate, the kids have been awesome (with the exception of a few Aidan outbursts) and my body challenge has been going better than I expected that it would (and in a short amount of time). So, all in all no complaints.

I stopped blogging on here for a while for a lot of reasons...

1. I didn't have access to the Internet, other than my phone and honestly, who wants to try and write whole blogs from their phone?

2. I've been super busy being SuperMom, so that leaves little leisure time for things like this.

3. I have been working on my fitness like crazy, and 6am comes very early, so all of my "alone time" I used to take after the kids went to bed, I now spend sleeping lol.

4. There hasn't really been much baby stuff to speak of. Well, until now...


I started the bodybuilding.com body transformation challenge on January 17th... that was exactly one month ago. I only did it because I thought it would occupy my mind where babies were concerned and it did... for the most part. Lately though, it started coming back up and I was tired of it personally. The baby talk has been a total rollercoaster for me and as much as I thought about it, I generally kept it to myself. It would come up occasionally, sure, but for the most part it would pop into my head and I would push it right back out and refocus. However, on a long drive to a cheerleading competition, the only thing Tony and I could really do was talk and the baby subject was brought up again.

In case you missed it, the last time we discussed babies, it was adoption... period. We are set to take foster parent classes in April and then we were going to move forward when a baby came available who was more than likely not going to be placed back with his or her birth parents.

I'm not going to lie, I know that Tony has always been a little put off by adoption, not because he doesn't want to have an adopted child (he would scoop up half the kids in the world if he could) his problem lies more with the involvement of the birth parents... which I get. So, I always knew that adoption was more "my thing" and like just about anything else, if I want something he's going to try to go out of his way to give it to me. That's not news to me. I know that he loves me more than just about anything, and he just wants me to be happy. But he forgets that I want the same things for him. So I told him on our very long drive that I had made "the decision" and that decision was... he was going to have to make the decision. I said that I was going to totally drop the baby subject and when he was ready to talk about it in terms of reality that I would be there.

I think that the pregnancy conversations started less than a week later, lol.

So in 7 1/2 weeks, when my body challenge is over, we're going to figure everything out. No point in dwelling on it until then. Can't say what's going to happen... but it's nice to come back on here and vent about it again.

No News...

Still waiting to hear about a few things that haven't come through yet, and that's frustrating, but on the whole things are getting better.

Last week I neglected this blog like crazy because it was the week from HELL! I had a house full of sick people, nothing got done, and on top of it all we had a trip to Indianapolis to prepare for. But we all survived, a little worse from wear, but survived none the less. I was sick, tired, and aggravated most of the week. And the only thing that will take me from zero to psycho in a hurry is a dirty house, and seeing as though everyone was sick, energy to clean eluded us all. So by the time we left on Friday, I was sick, tired, and leaving a devastated house behind. It wasn't pretty.

Tomorrow, Aaron's developmental aide comes which is good and bad. Good because it will be nice to see her, and have our time to work with Aaron, but bad because it means I have to get all of the housework done TODAY, and Tony forgot to take out the garbage today, so I'm going to have to add to the growing pile of bags in the garage. :::sigh:::

On the baby front, I don't know what to think anymore. I want another baby, Tony said that he did too, but something always felt like it was lacking for him... like maybe he didn't really want another baby. I would bother him all the time to tell me what he was feeling, because it seemed like deep down, maybe it wasn't something that he wanted. I keep dreaming of having another shot at having a baby girl, but I don't know that we're on the same page anymore. I think that the past week really tested us, and we failed. I feel like I'm always grasping at straws to find something to make me happy, and I'm just not. So, what to do? Being depressed has a way of getting old really fast.

I make plans to work on myself, or my body, or get a hobby, or something, but it's not filling the void. I hope I find something that does soon, because like I said... it's getting old.

Waiting Game...

So, I'm going to be a little mysterious, but that's kinda cool, so go with it.

Tony and I filed some paperwork and now it's a waiting game to figure out once and for all whether we're going to be dealing with adoption or a pregnancy. I know, we go back and forth a lot... but this approval or denial is the proverbial straw that will break the camel's back. It will be all or nothing after this, so hold on to your hat. Hopefully by the end of this coming week, I will be able to share some news.

The wait is nearly over.