Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking about a lot of things, and I just can't figure out which way is up. So if you don't want to read an agonizingly boring post about my life, then move along... I won't judge you. Everything I write is pretty much rhetorical anyway, and I just use this blog as my personal journal to get things off my chest.
I cried the other day in the middle of Bob Evans at the thought of not being able to have any more children. It breaks my heart to think that this part of my life may be over and I can't imagine living out the rest of my life never being pregnant again, or never having another baby. But it's really beginning to look like a reality. I think that when I actually said it out loud to Tony over lunch the other day that he took a deep sigh of relief. I think he wants another baby, but he's looking at the reality and not the romance of that decision, whereas I'm the opposite. I know that realistically, this is a huge undertaking, but I'm in love with the idea of being pregnant again, and having another baby. It makes me understand my mother a little bit more.
And then there is the twins thing. I know it seems silly, but ever since we lost baby B in my pregnancy with Aidan, I have felt robbed of my chance at mothering twins. It seems like everyone around me is having a set, and yet, I lost out on mine. I am missing a child right now. I can't make that feeling go away either. Some days I think about how hard it is to deal with one baby and 'who in the world would want all that work times 2?" But since it's something that I feel I was supposed to have, I get sad thinking about not being able to have them myself.
Everything else in life is pretty much the same. Andie is a spoiled brat, Anthony is a wild child, and Aidan is a monster as usual.... Aaron is following right in his rotten footsteps. Day in and day out, it's all pretty much the same. I think a lot about milestones, and how I don't have any more to reach. I'm in a place where everything is calm in my life. But it leaves me with nothing of my own to look forward to. I've already graduated, gotten married, and had my children. Most of that happened before I was done being a teenager! So here I am, nearly 26 and going through my midlife crisis. It's quite unsettling. I wish I was on the precipice of my milestones. But even if I left Tony, got remarried, and had another child, sure I would have things to look forawrd to, but it's all second hand by then anyway. Besides, that would also require the tearing apart of my current life, which isn't going to happen.
Everything I have left to look forward to in my life aren't my milestones. They're my kids' milestones yet to come. It's up to me now to make sure that they don't screw it up. I don't want their shining moments to be dimmed because they've seen a brighter light.
This pertains to my weight too. Every time I get close to my goal weight I quit and gain the weight back. I always think that "it can wait because I can lose the weight whenever." But I think what it really is, is the fact that this is my last thing. Losing the weight is my last milestone. If I do it, then I truly have nothing else to look forward to in my own life. That is my last challenge. If I conquer it, then what? I know it seems selfish. I know that I have so much to look forward to in the lives of those people that I love... but those will be their accomplishments. I'm just not ready to live the life of a spectator yet. I'm too young. I have so much that I wanted to do that I will never be able to get done. I'm already the old woman who watches everyone live their lives because she's done everything that she could have done with her life. The difference is that I'm 25. I'm not ready to be done. I'm not ready to sit on the sidelines of life now. But there's nothing left for me.
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