I don't know what it is about my personailty that makes me a quitter, but it is definitely my biggest flaw. I always get a goal in mind, and then work like a mad women to acheive it, and then, right when I'm on the precipice of finishing, I Quit. Every. Single. Time. It's like the thrill of the hunt I guess... you chase something for so long, and then when you're right there, you second guess yourself and decide maybe it's not worth it... only to backslide, and then start the chase all over again at a later time. That is me in a nutshell where my weightloss is concerned. I have gotten within 7 pounds of goal TWICE and then quit. And here I am again, standing on the edge of success and as I toe the line, I'm thinking "I don't think I want to do this any more. I'm making everyone in my life crazy, I'm going to try to get pregnant anyway, so how important is being skinny anyway?" Chrissy, the habitual quitter.
My entire life, all I could ever think about or talk about is my weight. I let it impact every single facet of my life. I go to sleep thinking about it, I dream about it, and then it's the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning. I will talk for hours about my "goals" about my workouts and what I ate that day, but I don't really have anything else that's mine. Maybe it's subconcious? Maybe because my weight is the only thing that really belongs to me, I get scared at the end that I'm going to lose that thing that I'm always fighting for, so I stop.... I gain some back, so I can fight it back off again? I don't know what it is, but it's eating me alive. I don't know what to do about it.
Sadly, Tony is the only one I can go to about it, and I'm making him insane. He's having his own problems with work, and not sleeping, and God knows what else (God has to know, because I sure don't) but all we talk about is my next workout, or my next meal, or "did that rep count? Should I do another set?" I think I'm stressing him to death. I just wish I could find a place where I am happy to be normal. Just eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner without having to analyze everything. But I have never been normal and I don't even know where to start. I have always felt like I NEEDED to do or be something amazing, but I'm not. I keep trying to be better, to be great to make up for all of the things that I never did in my life. But all I really want is to be normal, and to be okay with that. I want to be the best mother I can be, the best wife I can be, and then I make these HUGE goals that are too big for me and they consume me. I feel like I talk such a big game that I have given everyone some expectation of me to get to these goals, to be what I said I would be. So, then I isolate myself, so no one can see what a failure I was... am. I quit. It's what I do, and then I push everyone away so no one will know that I quit. But then it wears on me, so I start again. But it's never normalcy. I never have a day that is just a day.
I just want a day.
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