My biggest issue with myself is my relationship with food and my weight. I was raised being told that I was fat, and that made me worth less as a person than my sisters and brothers who were not fat like I was. Seriously, my parents made me believe this. My father put me on a diet when I was 2 years old, because he put me in dance class, and I was going to be a prima ballerina some day, and ballerinas didn't have baby fat. My Dad once sang a song to my sister and I when we were young, and the refrain was "Jackie is as skinny as a pencil, and Chrissy is so chubby like an apple." Well, I didn't want to be an apple.
Once when I was about 5, my father said "Chrissy, you look pretty today." And unfortunately, being 5, I said "I know." Well, of course I knew! I put on my prettiest dress, and brushed my hair and put on fancy shoes with the sole purpose of looking pretty. So, again, being 5 my answer was "I know." And his reply was "Well, that was conceited. You're supposed to say thank you, being conceited is ugly. Even if you look like the prettiest girl in the world, if you say 'i know,' that makes you ugly." So as a 5 year old, I thought that meant that even when I thought I was pretty that I would be ugly. I didn't wear a dress again until 6th grade graduation and even then it was a skort outfit.
I have never really recovered and deal with self confidence issues and self destructive behaviors as a result.
One of my goals as a mother is to raise children who want to be healthy and active, but are comfortable with their bodies, and always feel beautiful. When my daughter was little, I told her that she was beautiful, and when she replied with I know, as I had at the same age, her father and I sat her down and said "You're damn right you're beautiful!" And she still knows that she is grogeous, because we make sure that she hears it every day.
She came to me a few days ago, and asked me a question that I wouldn't have thought to ask at her age... "Mom, can I run a 5k?" I looked at her a little confused and gave the obvious reply, "Do you know how far that is?" Well, she did. And she still wanted to do it! I'm very proud of her. I love to run, well I love to run now. I hated it in the beginning, and only did it because I thought that it would help me be less of an apple. I was right though, I dropped weight like crazy (though that likely had a little to do with the lack of calories and the fact that I was breastfeeding... my husband still maintains that I looked emaciated) but I wasn't doing it from a place of "I want to be healthy, I want to be an athlete," but she is. She wants to be strong, she wants to challenge herself, and I will be right there to get her through it.
It's exactly one month away! So there will be an update on race day :)
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