Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking about a lot of things, and I just can't figure out which way is up. So if you don't want to read an agonizingly boring post about my life, then move along... I won't judge you. Everything I write is pretty much rhetorical anyway, and I just use this blog as my personal journal to get things off my chest.
I cried the other day in the middle of Bob Evans at the thought of not being able to have any more children. It breaks my heart to think that this part of my life may be over and I can't imagine living out the rest of my life never being pregnant again, or never having another baby. But it's really beginning to look like a reality. I think that when I actually said it out loud to Tony over lunch the other day that he took a deep sigh of relief. I think he wants another baby, but he's looking at the reality and not the romance of that decision, whereas I'm the opposite. I know that realistically, this is a huge undertaking, but I'm in love with the idea of being pregnant again, and having another baby. It makes me understand my mother a little bit more.
And then there is the twins thing. I know it seems silly, but ever since we lost baby B in my pregnancy with Aidan, I have felt robbed of my chance at mothering twins. It seems like everyone around me is having a set, and yet, I lost out on mine. I am missing a child right now. I can't make that feeling go away either. Some days I think about how hard it is to deal with one baby and 'who in the world would want all that work times 2?" But since it's something that I feel I was supposed to have, I get sad thinking about not being able to have them myself.
Everything else in life is pretty much the same. Andie is a spoiled brat, Anthony is a wild child, and Aidan is a monster as usual.... Aaron is following right in his rotten footsteps. Day in and day out, it's all pretty much the same. I think a lot about milestones, and how I don't have any more to reach. I'm in a place where everything is calm in my life. But it leaves me with nothing of my own to look forward to. I've already graduated, gotten married, and had my children. Most of that happened before I was done being a teenager! So here I am, nearly 26 and going through my midlife crisis. It's quite unsettling. I wish I was on the precipice of my milestones. But even if I left Tony, got remarried, and had another child, sure I would have things to look forawrd to, but it's all second hand by then anyway. Besides, that would also require the tearing apart of my current life, which isn't going to happen.
Everything I have left to look forward to in my life aren't my milestones. They're my kids' milestones yet to come. It's up to me now to make sure that they don't screw it up. I don't want their shining moments to be dimmed because they've seen a brighter light.
This pertains to my weight too. Every time I get close to my goal weight I quit and gain the weight back. I always think that "it can wait because I can lose the weight whenever." But I think what it really is, is the fact that this is my last thing. Losing the weight is my last milestone. If I do it, then I truly have nothing else to look forward to in my own life. That is my last challenge. If I conquer it, then what? I know it seems selfish. I know that I have so much to look forward to in the lives of those people that I love... but those will be their accomplishments. I'm just not ready to live the life of a spectator yet. I'm too young. I have so much that I wanted to do that I will never be able to get done. I'm already the old woman who watches everyone live their lives because she's done everything that she could have done with her life. The difference is that I'm 25. I'm not ready to be done. I'm not ready to sit on the sidelines of life now. But there's nothing left for me.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Proud Mommy...
My biggest issue with myself is my relationship with food and my weight. I was raised being told that I was fat, and that made me worth less as a person than my sisters and brothers who were not fat like I was. Seriously, my parents made me believe this. My father put me on a diet when I was 2 years old, because he put me in dance class, and I was going to be a prima ballerina some day, and ballerinas didn't have baby fat. My Dad once sang a song to my sister and I when we were young, and the refrain was "Jackie is as skinny as a pencil, and Chrissy is so chubby like an apple." Well, I didn't want to be an apple.
Once when I was about 5, my father said "Chrissy, you look pretty today." And unfortunately, being 5, I said "I know." Well, of course I knew! I put on my prettiest dress, and brushed my hair and put on fancy shoes with the sole purpose of looking pretty. So, again, being 5 my answer was "I know." And his reply was "Well, that was conceited. You're supposed to say thank you, being conceited is ugly. Even if you look like the prettiest girl in the world, if you say 'i know,' that makes you ugly." So as a 5 year old, I thought that meant that even when I thought I was pretty that I would be ugly. I didn't wear a dress again until 6th grade graduation and even then it was a skort outfit.
I have never really recovered and deal with self confidence issues and self destructive behaviors as a result.
One of my goals as a mother is to raise children who want to be healthy and active, but are comfortable with their bodies, and always feel beautiful. When my daughter was little, I told her that she was beautiful, and when she replied with I know, as I had at the same age, her father and I sat her down and said "You're damn right you're beautiful!" And she still knows that she is grogeous, because we make sure that she hears it every day.
She came to me a few days ago, and asked me a question that I wouldn't have thought to ask at her age... "Mom, can I run a 5k?" I looked at her a little confused and gave the obvious reply, "Do you know how far that is?" Well, she did. And she still wanted to do it! I'm very proud of her. I love to run, well I love to run now. I hated it in the beginning, and only did it because I thought that it would help me be less of an apple. I was right though, I dropped weight like crazy (though that likely had a little to do with the lack of calories and the fact that I was breastfeeding... my husband still maintains that I looked emaciated) but I wasn't doing it from a place of "I want to be healthy, I want to be an athlete," but she is. She wants to be strong, she wants to challenge herself, and I will be right there to get her through it.
It's exactly one month away! So there will be an update on race day :)
Once when I was about 5, my father said "Chrissy, you look pretty today." And unfortunately, being 5, I said "I know." Well, of course I knew! I put on my prettiest dress, and brushed my hair and put on fancy shoes with the sole purpose of looking pretty. So, again, being 5 my answer was "I know." And his reply was "Well, that was conceited. You're supposed to say thank you, being conceited is ugly. Even if you look like the prettiest girl in the world, if you say 'i know,' that makes you ugly." So as a 5 year old, I thought that meant that even when I thought I was pretty that I would be ugly. I didn't wear a dress again until 6th grade graduation and even then it was a skort outfit.
I have never really recovered and deal with self confidence issues and self destructive behaviors as a result.
One of my goals as a mother is to raise children who want to be healthy and active, but are comfortable with their bodies, and always feel beautiful. When my daughter was little, I told her that she was beautiful, and when she replied with I know, as I had at the same age, her father and I sat her down and said "You're damn right you're beautiful!" And she still knows that she is grogeous, because we make sure that she hears it every day.
She came to me a few days ago, and asked me a question that I wouldn't have thought to ask at her age... "Mom, can I run a 5k?" I looked at her a little confused and gave the obvious reply, "Do you know how far that is?" Well, she did. And she still wanted to do it! I'm very proud of her. I love to run, well I love to run now. I hated it in the beginning, and only did it because I thought that it would help me be less of an apple. I was right though, I dropped weight like crazy (though that likely had a little to do with the lack of calories and the fact that I was breastfeeding... my husband still maintains that I looked emaciated) but I wasn't doing it from a place of "I want to be healthy, I want to be an athlete," but she is. She wants to be strong, she wants to challenge herself, and I will be right there to get her through it.
It's exactly one month away! So there will be an update on race day :)
Pregnant Women EVERYWHERE!
A psychologist would just say that I'm seeing pregnant women everywhere because pregnancy is at the forefront of my mind... but I think that perhaps there really is something in the water! I cannot turn my head without seeing at least one pregnant woman somewhere. At least I'm safe in my own home lol.
And TWINS! Oh my gosh! They are everywhere too! I think maybe the LORD is trying to desensitize me to the sight of twins. Ever since we lost baby B, 6 years ago, I haven't been able to stand the sight of twins, but recently they are popping up everywhere. At least 5 people I know have had a set, or have gotten pregnant with a set (yet to be born) in the last year, and last month there was a week where I saw a set a day for each of the 7 days. It was outrageous. I would have given anything to carry both of my babies to term, and it breaks my heart still that I couldn't... but time heals all wounds, right?
I still feel like I would LOVE to be pregnant right now, even though I understand the reasons why we are waiting. I still wish upon every star, at every 11:11, and on every eyelash that we are able to have just enough money to get the vasectomy reversal done. Hindsight is 20/20 and if I had known then what I know now, we never would have done it to begin with. Now it's just about trying to fix our mistake, my mistake. But what I wouldn't give to be able to make this work now :(
And TWINS! Oh my gosh! They are everywhere too! I think maybe the LORD is trying to desensitize me to the sight of twins. Ever since we lost baby B, 6 years ago, I haven't been able to stand the sight of twins, but recently they are popping up everywhere. At least 5 people I know have had a set, or have gotten pregnant with a set (yet to be born) in the last year, and last month there was a week where I saw a set a day for each of the 7 days. It was outrageous. I would have given anything to carry both of my babies to term, and it breaks my heart still that I couldn't... but time heals all wounds, right?
I still feel like I would LOVE to be pregnant right now, even though I understand the reasons why we are waiting. I still wish upon every star, at every 11:11, and on every eyelash that we are able to have just enough money to get the vasectomy reversal done. Hindsight is 20/20 and if I had known then what I know now, we never would have done it to begin with. Now it's just about trying to fix our mistake, my mistake. But what I wouldn't give to be able to make this work now :(
Sunday, March 13, 2011
I've Come to Realize...
That sometimes I come off like a real spoiled brat. I'm going to work on that.
I'm going to work on a lot of things really, starting with the kids. I stopped training for the figure competitions because I got a real look at how that was affecting my family, and household. Chores aren't getting done (but who needs laundry anyway, right?) and the kids weren't getting the attention they needed. My daughter's grades are falling because I've been in such a rush to get to the gym on time that I haven't been giving her the one on one time with her homework that she was used to. People used to ask me why I didn't do things for myself, and it was because I was afraid that everything else would fall apart... and I was right.
On top of that, living in a state of depletion in my diet was shortening my temper and I was yelling first and asking questions later. No one deserves that. I seemed unhappy all of the time, and even though I wasn't, it's all about perception. If my kids thought that I was sad or depressed, then it didn't matter if I wasn't. And then there was my deteriorating relationship with food, and the way I would go on about how fat and disgusting I was... way to be a role model to a pre-teen girl, right?
I guess that's what you get when you don't focus on anyone but yourself. I don't know how I managed to do it for so long.
But I'm moving on now. My weight is going to be pushed very very far away from my mind, and my focus is going to be on my responsibilities, and the extraordinary honor I have of being a mother to these four amazing children. I hate that I lost sight of the most important things in my life. It's time to get back on track.
I'm going to work on a lot of things really, starting with the kids. I stopped training for the figure competitions because I got a real look at how that was affecting my family, and household. Chores aren't getting done (but who needs laundry anyway, right?) and the kids weren't getting the attention they needed. My daughter's grades are falling because I've been in such a rush to get to the gym on time that I haven't been giving her the one on one time with her homework that she was used to. People used to ask me why I didn't do things for myself, and it was because I was afraid that everything else would fall apart... and I was right.
On top of that, living in a state of depletion in my diet was shortening my temper and I was yelling first and asking questions later. No one deserves that. I seemed unhappy all of the time, and even though I wasn't, it's all about perception. If my kids thought that I was sad or depressed, then it didn't matter if I wasn't. And then there was my deteriorating relationship with food, and the way I would go on about how fat and disgusting I was... way to be a role model to a pre-teen girl, right?
I guess that's what you get when you don't focus on anyone but yourself. I don't know how I managed to do it for so long.
But I'm moving on now. My weight is going to be pushed very very far away from my mind, and my focus is going to be on my responsibilities, and the extraordinary honor I have of being a mother to these four amazing children. I hate that I lost sight of the most important things in my life. It's time to get back on track.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
More Me Time...
Looks like everything is going to get pushed back... again. I'm training very hard (the last 3 days aside) for these figure competitions, so baby is on the back burner. I think that Tony's happier about that than he's letting on. Not because he doesn't want a baby right now (at least I hope that's not the case) but because it's going to give us a little more wiggle room financially.
Did I mention I hate money?
I'm in a dark place right now anyway with my body, so we're going to see how that goes. You would think that trying to get into the best shape of your life would be empowering and inspiring... but it's just hard really. And just as mentally draining as it is physically. I'm not going to lie, some days I wish I were pregnant just so I didn't have to think about eating. If I were pregnant, and I were hungry, I would eat. If I craved something, I would eat it... and knowing that I am not going on a diet on Monday, I wouldn't feel like I needed to eat it all at once. I sincerely miss that freedom, especially now that I know not only every single thing that goes into my body, but its macronutrient breakdown too. Do any of you know what a macronutrient is? Yeah, didn't think so.
Anyway, that's my fussing for the day. I hope I can find some patience or something because I just don't want to get sad again.
Did I mention I hate money?
I'm in a dark place right now anyway with my body, so we're going to see how that goes. You would think that trying to get into the best shape of your life would be empowering and inspiring... but it's just hard really. And just as mentally draining as it is physically. I'm not going to lie, some days I wish I were pregnant just so I didn't have to think about eating. If I were pregnant, and I were hungry, I would eat. If I craved something, I would eat it... and knowing that I am not going on a diet on Monday, I wouldn't feel like I needed to eat it all at once. I sincerely miss that freedom, especially now that I know not only every single thing that goes into my body, but its macronutrient breakdown too. Do any of you know what a macronutrient is? Yeah, didn't think so.
Anyway, that's my fussing for the day. I hope I can find some patience or something because I just don't want to get sad again.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Impatient.
Today has been one of those days when I would have given just about anything to have the money to do Tony's vasectomy reversal now. It's been a stressful time lately, and all I want is to know that this is going to happen for us. I'm ready to start trying... actually trying, to get pregnant.
I want to count the days of my cycle, I want to feel that thick anticipation that is the 'two week wait,' and I want to ask myself if every twinge or passing feeling is a sign that we've finally done it.... We've finally made another little miracle. I'm just so ready.
Maybe it's because I'm a little crazy being a prospective figure competitor, but I think that it's more than that. I've been so consumed lately with all things fitness, that I haven't had a chance to really be a mom. And in the short moments that I have to just enjoy my kids, I'm too drained and depleated to do so. And you know, it's only going to get worse in the coming weeks.
Don't get me wrong, I want to do this competition... No, I'm going to do this competition, and I AM excited about it... but it would be nice if I could just have a little "ooops" and a wonderful little excuse to put my kids back on the forefront of my mind.
It's not forever though. These past 8 weeks have gone pretty quickly, and I imagine the remaining 11 will also pass with the same haste. At least, I can hope right? In the meantime, it's all I can do to just stay awake, and poor Tony is stuck being Mom and Dad for a while. I think he will be more excited than I am when the day comes, and I'm back to 100% Mommy.
I want to count the days of my cycle, I want to feel that thick anticipation that is the 'two week wait,' and I want to ask myself if every twinge or passing feeling is a sign that we've finally done it.... We've finally made another little miracle. I'm just so ready.
Maybe it's because I'm a little crazy being a prospective figure competitor, but I think that it's more than that. I've been so consumed lately with all things fitness, that I haven't had a chance to really be a mom. And in the short moments that I have to just enjoy my kids, I'm too drained and depleated to do so. And you know, it's only going to get worse in the coming weeks.
Don't get me wrong, I want to do this competition... No, I'm going to do this competition, and I AM excited about it... but it would be nice if I could just have a little "ooops" and a wonderful little excuse to put my kids back on the forefront of my mind.
It's not forever though. These past 8 weeks have gone pretty quickly, and I imagine the remaining 11 will also pass with the same haste. At least, I can hope right? In the meantime, it's all I can do to just stay awake, and poor Tony is stuck being Mom and Dad for a while. I think he will be more excited than I am when the day comes, and I'm back to 100% Mommy.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Counting Down the Days...
One of the things that keeps me going on my journey to my figure competition is knowing that there is life afterward... paticularly a baby. Sometimes I sit and get lost in the thoughts about a pregnancy, and a newborn, and all of the wonderful things that come with it. I'm so ready to get this show on the road.
We are starting to save money for the vasectomy reversal now, in hopes that we have it all together by July. But I notice that Tony keeps saying little things like "are you sure you wouldn't rather do IUI again," and "if we have the money, do you think we could pay for it and schedule it for a later time, like September or October?" It makes me wonder why he's asking these questions, and I wonder a little if he's going to take the vasectomy reversal off the table again. ::sigh::
I guess we will see as time goes on. I'm going to keep hoping though.
We are starting to save money for the vasectomy reversal now, in hopes that we have it all together by July. But I notice that Tony keeps saying little things like "are you sure you wouldn't rather do IUI again," and "if we have the money, do you think we could pay for it and schedule it for a later time, like September or October?" It makes me wonder why he's asking these questions, and I wonder a little if he's going to take the vasectomy reversal off the table again. ::sigh::
I guess we will see as time goes on. I'm going to keep hoping though.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Hi, My Name is "Quitter"...
I don't know what it is about my personailty that makes me a quitter, but it is definitely my biggest flaw. I always get a goal in mind, and then work like a mad women to acheive it, and then, right when I'm on the precipice of finishing, I Quit. Every. Single. Time. It's like the thrill of the hunt I guess... you chase something for so long, and then when you're right there, you second guess yourself and decide maybe it's not worth it... only to backslide, and then start the chase all over again at a later time. That is me in a nutshell where my weightloss is concerned. I have gotten within 7 pounds of goal TWICE and then quit. And here I am again, standing on the edge of success and as I toe the line, I'm thinking "I don't think I want to do this any more. I'm making everyone in my life crazy, I'm going to try to get pregnant anyway, so how important is being skinny anyway?" Chrissy, the habitual quitter.
My entire life, all I could ever think about or talk about is my weight. I let it impact every single facet of my life. I go to sleep thinking about it, I dream about it, and then it's the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning. I will talk for hours about my "goals" about my workouts and what I ate that day, but I don't really have anything else that's mine. Maybe it's subconcious? Maybe because my weight is the only thing that really belongs to me, I get scared at the end that I'm going to lose that thing that I'm always fighting for, so I stop.... I gain some back, so I can fight it back off again? I don't know what it is, but it's eating me alive. I don't know what to do about it.
Sadly, Tony is the only one I can go to about it, and I'm making him insane. He's having his own problems with work, and not sleeping, and God knows what else (God has to know, because I sure don't) but all we talk about is my next workout, or my next meal, or "did that rep count? Should I do another set?" I think I'm stressing him to death. I just wish I could find a place where I am happy to be normal. Just eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner without having to analyze everything. But I have never been normal and I don't even know where to start. I have always felt like I NEEDED to do or be something amazing, but I'm not. I keep trying to be better, to be great to make up for all of the things that I never did in my life. But all I really want is to be normal, and to be okay with that. I want to be the best mother I can be, the best wife I can be, and then I make these HUGE goals that are too big for me and they consume me. I feel like I talk such a big game that I have given everyone some expectation of me to get to these goals, to be what I said I would be. So, then I isolate myself, so no one can see what a failure I was... am. I quit. It's what I do, and then I push everyone away so no one will know that I quit. But then it wears on me, so I start again. But it's never normalcy. I never have a day that is just a day.
I just want a day.
My entire life, all I could ever think about or talk about is my weight. I let it impact every single facet of my life. I go to sleep thinking about it, I dream about it, and then it's the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning. I will talk for hours about my "goals" about my workouts and what I ate that day, but I don't really have anything else that's mine. Maybe it's subconcious? Maybe because my weight is the only thing that really belongs to me, I get scared at the end that I'm going to lose that thing that I'm always fighting for, so I stop.... I gain some back, so I can fight it back off again? I don't know what it is, but it's eating me alive. I don't know what to do about it.
Sadly, Tony is the only one I can go to about it, and I'm making him insane. He's having his own problems with work, and not sleeping, and God knows what else (God has to know, because I sure don't) but all we talk about is my next workout, or my next meal, or "did that rep count? Should I do another set?" I think I'm stressing him to death. I just wish I could find a place where I am happy to be normal. Just eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner without having to analyze everything. But I have never been normal and I don't even know where to start. I have always felt like I NEEDED to do or be something amazing, but I'm not. I keep trying to be better, to be great to make up for all of the things that I never did in my life. But all I really want is to be normal, and to be okay with that. I want to be the best mother I can be, the best wife I can be, and then I make these HUGE goals that are too big for me and they consume me. I feel like I talk such a big game that I have given everyone some expectation of me to get to these goals, to be what I said I would be. So, then I isolate myself, so no one can see what a failure I was... am. I quit. It's what I do, and then I push everyone away so no one will know that I quit. But then it wears on me, so I start again. But it's never normalcy. I never have a day that is just a day.
I just want a day.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Juggling Funds...
Right now, there's a possiblilty that we could have the money in place to get pregnant much sooner than we thought... like next month. That's way earlier than I anticipated originally and I'm excited about it. There's a way that we could have the money in hand right now, but it's financially risky, so we're going to wait.
It's really beginning to look like we're going to do the vasectomy reversal (per my friend's reccomendation of a good doctor :) and I'm excited about the whole "trying" aspect of it again. If you go through IUI like we did to conceive our last child, it works, or it doesn't. It's not much fun, and if you're not made of money, then there are only so many times that you can try and fail. So, the thought of being able to have the reversal and have an unlimited amount of times to try takes some of the pressure off. Besides... doing it the old fashioned way is way more fun ;)
I am going to go ahead and talk to my OBGYN about getting my cycles on track to make conception a little more likely, since I don't ovulate regularly. Also, as soon as the reversal is done, I'm going to cut back my diet and exercise regime to allow for my cycles to normalize a little also. Right now, my diet is too strict, and my workouts are too intense to support fertility... so that needs to change. Though, I do plan on sticking to a moderate exercise routine, and a sensible diet while I'm pregnant (sensible as in, not eating fast food every day lol... because let's face it, when you're craving something really bad, how sensible can you be?) I want to remain healthy throughout my pregnancy and after. Last time, I lost weight too quickly after the baby was born, and my milk supply suffered for it. I am going to take better care to keep that from happening this time around.
Lastly, we changed the baby girl's name... Tony wasn't crazy about Addison, so we may swap it out for Abigail Brynna. We don't plan on finding out the sex this time around, so we're going to pick 2 boy names and 2 girl names and see which name fits our newest addition when the time comes.
I hope everything manages to come together. I'm ready.
It's really beginning to look like we're going to do the vasectomy reversal (per my friend's reccomendation of a good doctor :) and I'm excited about the whole "trying" aspect of it again. If you go through IUI like we did to conceive our last child, it works, or it doesn't. It's not much fun, and if you're not made of money, then there are only so many times that you can try and fail. So, the thought of being able to have the reversal and have an unlimited amount of times to try takes some of the pressure off. Besides... doing it the old fashioned way is way more fun ;)
I am going to go ahead and talk to my OBGYN about getting my cycles on track to make conception a little more likely, since I don't ovulate regularly. Also, as soon as the reversal is done, I'm going to cut back my diet and exercise regime to allow for my cycles to normalize a little also. Right now, my diet is too strict, and my workouts are too intense to support fertility... so that needs to change. Though, I do plan on sticking to a moderate exercise routine, and a sensible diet while I'm pregnant (sensible as in, not eating fast food every day lol... because let's face it, when you're craving something really bad, how sensible can you be?) I want to remain healthy throughout my pregnancy and after. Last time, I lost weight too quickly after the baby was born, and my milk supply suffered for it. I am going to take better care to keep that from happening this time around.
Lastly, we changed the baby girl's name... Tony wasn't crazy about Addison, so we may swap it out for Abigail Brynna. We don't plan on finding out the sex this time around, so we're going to pick 2 boy names and 2 girl names and see which name fits our newest addition when the time comes.
I hope everything manages to come together. I'm ready.
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