Looks like everything is going to get pushed back... again. I'm training very hard (the last 3 days aside) for these figure competitions, so baby is on the back burner. I think that Tony's happier about that than he's letting on. Not because he doesn't want a baby right now (at least I hope that's not the case) but because it's going to give us a little more wiggle room financially.
Did I mention I hate money?
I'm in a dark place right now anyway with my body, so we're going to see how that goes. You would think that trying to get into the best shape of your life would be empowering and inspiring... but it's just hard really. And just as mentally draining as it is physically. I'm not going to lie, some days I wish I were pregnant just so I didn't have to think about eating. If I were pregnant, and I were hungry, I would eat. If I craved something, I would eat it... and knowing that I am not going on a diet on Monday, I wouldn't feel like I needed to eat it all at once. I sincerely miss that freedom, especially now that I know not only every single thing that goes into my body, but its macronutrient breakdown too. Do any of you know what a macronutrient is? Yeah, didn't think so.
Anyway, that's my fussing for the day. I hope I can find some patience or something because I just don't want to get sad again.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Impatient.
Today has been one of those days when I would have given just about anything to have the money to do Tony's vasectomy reversal now. It's been a stressful time lately, and all I want is to know that this is going to happen for us. I'm ready to start trying... actually trying, to get pregnant.
I want to count the days of my cycle, I want to feel that thick anticipation that is the 'two week wait,' and I want to ask myself if every twinge or passing feeling is a sign that we've finally done it.... We've finally made another little miracle. I'm just so ready.
Maybe it's because I'm a little crazy being a prospective figure competitor, but I think that it's more than that. I've been so consumed lately with all things fitness, that I haven't had a chance to really be a mom. And in the short moments that I have to just enjoy my kids, I'm too drained and depleated to do so. And you know, it's only going to get worse in the coming weeks.
Don't get me wrong, I want to do this competition... No, I'm going to do this competition, and I AM excited about it... but it would be nice if I could just have a little "ooops" and a wonderful little excuse to put my kids back on the forefront of my mind.
It's not forever though. These past 8 weeks have gone pretty quickly, and I imagine the remaining 11 will also pass with the same haste. At least, I can hope right? In the meantime, it's all I can do to just stay awake, and poor Tony is stuck being Mom and Dad for a while. I think he will be more excited than I am when the day comes, and I'm back to 100% Mommy.
I want to count the days of my cycle, I want to feel that thick anticipation that is the 'two week wait,' and I want to ask myself if every twinge or passing feeling is a sign that we've finally done it.... We've finally made another little miracle. I'm just so ready.
Maybe it's because I'm a little crazy being a prospective figure competitor, but I think that it's more than that. I've been so consumed lately with all things fitness, that I haven't had a chance to really be a mom. And in the short moments that I have to just enjoy my kids, I'm too drained and depleated to do so. And you know, it's only going to get worse in the coming weeks.
Don't get me wrong, I want to do this competition... No, I'm going to do this competition, and I AM excited about it... but it would be nice if I could just have a little "ooops" and a wonderful little excuse to put my kids back on the forefront of my mind.
It's not forever though. These past 8 weeks have gone pretty quickly, and I imagine the remaining 11 will also pass with the same haste. At least, I can hope right? In the meantime, it's all I can do to just stay awake, and poor Tony is stuck being Mom and Dad for a while. I think he will be more excited than I am when the day comes, and I'm back to 100% Mommy.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Counting Down the Days...
One of the things that keeps me going on my journey to my figure competition is knowing that there is life afterward... paticularly a baby. Sometimes I sit and get lost in the thoughts about a pregnancy, and a newborn, and all of the wonderful things that come with it. I'm so ready to get this show on the road.
We are starting to save money for the vasectomy reversal now, in hopes that we have it all together by July. But I notice that Tony keeps saying little things like "are you sure you wouldn't rather do IUI again," and "if we have the money, do you think we could pay for it and schedule it for a later time, like September or October?" It makes me wonder why he's asking these questions, and I wonder a little if he's going to take the vasectomy reversal off the table again. ::sigh::
I guess we will see as time goes on. I'm going to keep hoping though.
We are starting to save money for the vasectomy reversal now, in hopes that we have it all together by July. But I notice that Tony keeps saying little things like "are you sure you wouldn't rather do IUI again," and "if we have the money, do you think we could pay for it and schedule it for a later time, like September or October?" It makes me wonder why he's asking these questions, and I wonder a little if he's going to take the vasectomy reversal off the table again. ::sigh::
I guess we will see as time goes on. I'm going to keep hoping though.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Hi, My Name is "Quitter"...
I don't know what it is about my personailty that makes me a quitter, but it is definitely my biggest flaw. I always get a goal in mind, and then work like a mad women to acheive it, and then, right when I'm on the precipice of finishing, I Quit. Every. Single. Time. It's like the thrill of the hunt I guess... you chase something for so long, and then when you're right there, you second guess yourself and decide maybe it's not worth it... only to backslide, and then start the chase all over again at a later time. That is me in a nutshell where my weightloss is concerned. I have gotten within 7 pounds of goal TWICE and then quit. And here I am again, standing on the edge of success and as I toe the line, I'm thinking "I don't think I want to do this any more. I'm making everyone in my life crazy, I'm going to try to get pregnant anyway, so how important is being skinny anyway?" Chrissy, the habitual quitter.
My entire life, all I could ever think about or talk about is my weight. I let it impact every single facet of my life. I go to sleep thinking about it, I dream about it, and then it's the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning. I will talk for hours about my "goals" about my workouts and what I ate that day, but I don't really have anything else that's mine. Maybe it's subconcious? Maybe because my weight is the only thing that really belongs to me, I get scared at the end that I'm going to lose that thing that I'm always fighting for, so I stop.... I gain some back, so I can fight it back off again? I don't know what it is, but it's eating me alive. I don't know what to do about it.
Sadly, Tony is the only one I can go to about it, and I'm making him insane. He's having his own problems with work, and not sleeping, and God knows what else (God has to know, because I sure don't) but all we talk about is my next workout, or my next meal, or "did that rep count? Should I do another set?" I think I'm stressing him to death. I just wish I could find a place where I am happy to be normal. Just eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner without having to analyze everything. But I have never been normal and I don't even know where to start. I have always felt like I NEEDED to do or be something amazing, but I'm not. I keep trying to be better, to be great to make up for all of the things that I never did in my life. But all I really want is to be normal, and to be okay with that. I want to be the best mother I can be, the best wife I can be, and then I make these HUGE goals that are too big for me and they consume me. I feel like I talk such a big game that I have given everyone some expectation of me to get to these goals, to be what I said I would be. So, then I isolate myself, so no one can see what a failure I was... am. I quit. It's what I do, and then I push everyone away so no one will know that I quit. But then it wears on me, so I start again. But it's never normalcy. I never have a day that is just a day.
I just want a day.
My entire life, all I could ever think about or talk about is my weight. I let it impact every single facet of my life. I go to sleep thinking about it, I dream about it, and then it's the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning. I will talk for hours about my "goals" about my workouts and what I ate that day, but I don't really have anything else that's mine. Maybe it's subconcious? Maybe because my weight is the only thing that really belongs to me, I get scared at the end that I'm going to lose that thing that I'm always fighting for, so I stop.... I gain some back, so I can fight it back off again? I don't know what it is, but it's eating me alive. I don't know what to do about it.
Sadly, Tony is the only one I can go to about it, and I'm making him insane. He's having his own problems with work, and not sleeping, and God knows what else (God has to know, because I sure don't) but all we talk about is my next workout, or my next meal, or "did that rep count? Should I do another set?" I think I'm stressing him to death. I just wish I could find a place where I am happy to be normal. Just eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner without having to analyze everything. But I have never been normal and I don't even know where to start. I have always felt like I NEEDED to do or be something amazing, but I'm not. I keep trying to be better, to be great to make up for all of the things that I never did in my life. But all I really want is to be normal, and to be okay with that. I want to be the best mother I can be, the best wife I can be, and then I make these HUGE goals that are too big for me and they consume me. I feel like I talk such a big game that I have given everyone some expectation of me to get to these goals, to be what I said I would be. So, then I isolate myself, so no one can see what a failure I was... am. I quit. It's what I do, and then I push everyone away so no one will know that I quit. But then it wears on me, so I start again. But it's never normalcy. I never have a day that is just a day.
I just want a day.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Juggling Funds...
Right now, there's a possiblilty that we could have the money in place to get pregnant much sooner than we thought... like next month. That's way earlier than I anticipated originally and I'm excited about it. There's a way that we could have the money in hand right now, but it's financially risky, so we're going to wait.
It's really beginning to look like we're going to do the vasectomy reversal (per my friend's reccomendation of a good doctor :) and I'm excited about the whole "trying" aspect of it again. If you go through IUI like we did to conceive our last child, it works, or it doesn't. It's not much fun, and if you're not made of money, then there are only so many times that you can try and fail. So, the thought of being able to have the reversal and have an unlimited amount of times to try takes some of the pressure off. Besides... doing it the old fashioned way is way more fun ;)
I am going to go ahead and talk to my OBGYN about getting my cycles on track to make conception a little more likely, since I don't ovulate regularly. Also, as soon as the reversal is done, I'm going to cut back my diet and exercise regime to allow for my cycles to normalize a little also. Right now, my diet is too strict, and my workouts are too intense to support fertility... so that needs to change. Though, I do plan on sticking to a moderate exercise routine, and a sensible diet while I'm pregnant (sensible as in, not eating fast food every day lol... because let's face it, when you're craving something really bad, how sensible can you be?) I want to remain healthy throughout my pregnancy and after. Last time, I lost weight too quickly after the baby was born, and my milk supply suffered for it. I am going to take better care to keep that from happening this time around.
Lastly, we changed the baby girl's name... Tony wasn't crazy about Addison, so we may swap it out for Abigail Brynna. We don't plan on finding out the sex this time around, so we're going to pick 2 boy names and 2 girl names and see which name fits our newest addition when the time comes.
I hope everything manages to come together. I'm ready.
It's really beginning to look like we're going to do the vasectomy reversal (per my friend's reccomendation of a good doctor :) and I'm excited about the whole "trying" aspect of it again. If you go through IUI like we did to conceive our last child, it works, or it doesn't. It's not much fun, and if you're not made of money, then there are only so many times that you can try and fail. So, the thought of being able to have the reversal and have an unlimited amount of times to try takes some of the pressure off. Besides... doing it the old fashioned way is way more fun ;)
I am going to go ahead and talk to my OBGYN about getting my cycles on track to make conception a little more likely, since I don't ovulate regularly. Also, as soon as the reversal is done, I'm going to cut back my diet and exercise regime to allow for my cycles to normalize a little also. Right now, my diet is too strict, and my workouts are too intense to support fertility... so that needs to change. Though, I do plan on sticking to a moderate exercise routine, and a sensible diet while I'm pregnant (sensible as in, not eating fast food every day lol... because let's face it, when you're craving something really bad, how sensible can you be?) I want to remain healthy throughout my pregnancy and after. Last time, I lost weight too quickly after the baby was born, and my milk supply suffered for it. I am going to take better care to keep that from happening this time around.
Lastly, we changed the baby girl's name... Tony wasn't crazy about Addison, so we may swap it out for Abigail Brynna. We don't plan on finding out the sex this time around, so we're going to pick 2 boy names and 2 girl names and see which name fits our newest addition when the time comes.
I hope everything manages to come together. I'm ready.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
In a Perfect World....
In a perfect world, Tony would be able to get an amazing job that allows him to be home a lot, he would get a vasectomy reversal, and we would live out the rest of our lives just having as many babies as the good Lord blessed us with...
Strike that...
I said perfect world...
Let's forget the job and win the lottery.
Strike that...
I said perfect world...
Let's forget the job and win the lottery.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Baby Names...
We are all over the place with baby names. We will think of one we like, then forget it, and pick a totally different one all the while thinking... "what was that one name we said?" So, in an effort to not forget the ones we're sifting through at the moment, I'm going to jot them down here so I can revisit them later.
Originally it was easy...
Ashley Ronan (boy)
Anabel Marie-Kathryn (girl)
... but lets face it. I really really hate the name Ashley for a boy, and the girl name I keep going back to, thinking it's too long. So we're coming up with some other options.
Boy names of the week...
Asher and Archer... middle names run the gamut though from Christopher, to Scott, to Gabriel, etc... But Asher Scott is by far the front runner at the moment.
Girls names for the week...
Addison Brynna and Anabel Charlotte. (I honestly hope I have twin girls so I can use both of these names lol)
So that's my baby thoughts of the day. I just want to get pregnant... like right now. There are tons of reasons, one of which being this darn body challenge. I think it may kill me. The dieting is going to drive me mad. I have dreams about food, and even in my dreams I'm having to turn down cookies and pizza. I swear I'm about to snap and clean out the nearest pizza buffet. It's seriously messing with my head. I can't quit now though. I hope that the results continue to be such that I can keep going without leaving my husband for an Italian chef with a thing for fat chicks.
It's much harder than I imagined it would be, and I knew going in that it was going to be hard. I keep seeing this finish line though. That's good when it comes to making a push to the end, but it's bad in the respect that I'm looking at this as a temporary thing and not a life long change. I am going to have to figure it out though because I'm going on with it one way or another. At least if I got pregnant, no one would blame me for gaining a little weight lol.
In the meantime, I'm off to the gym... again. Maybe I will be able to stop thinking of food for the hour and a half that I am there. 6.5 weeks left until the challenge is over and I learn how to maintain the physique I'm building right now.
Originally it was easy...
Ashley Ronan (boy)
Anabel Marie-Kathryn (girl)
... but lets face it. I really really hate the name Ashley for a boy, and the girl name I keep going back to, thinking it's too long. So we're coming up with some other options.
Boy names of the week...
Asher and Archer... middle names run the gamut though from Christopher, to Scott, to Gabriel, etc... But Asher Scott is by far the front runner at the moment.
Girls names for the week...
Addison Brynna and Anabel Charlotte. (I honestly hope I have twin girls so I can use both of these names lol)
So that's my baby thoughts of the day. I just want to get pregnant... like right now. There are tons of reasons, one of which being this darn body challenge. I think it may kill me. The dieting is going to drive me mad. I have dreams about food, and even in my dreams I'm having to turn down cookies and pizza. I swear I'm about to snap and clean out the nearest pizza buffet. It's seriously messing with my head. I can't quit now though. I hope that the results continue to be such that I can keep going without leaving my husband for an Italian chef with a thing for fat chicks.
It's much harder than I imagined it would be, and I knew going in that it was going to be hard. I keep seeing this finish line though. That's good when it comes to making a push to the end, but it's bad in the respect that I'm looking at this as a temporary thing and not a life long change. I am going to have to figure it out though because I'm going on with it one way or another. At least if I got pregnant, no one would blame me for gaining a little weight lol.
In the meantime, I'm off to the gym... again. Maybe I will be able to stop thinking of food for the hour and a half that I am there. 6.5 weeks left until the challenge is over and I learn how to maintain the physique I'm building right now.
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