Waiting...

On my pregnancy symptoms to really start. I knew when I got my positive test early that I would be waiting on that "pregnant feeling" to catch up to the news. I always get nervous though, when I'm not immediately sick, or my boobs don't automatically hurt, or I'm not passing out from fatigue. I know a lot of women HATE to have all of the "negative" symptoms of pregnancy, but I say BRING IT ON! These symptoms are just a way for my little one to say "it's ok Mom, I'm here." This early on in pregnancy, when you aren't showing, and nothing is kicking you, it's hard to remember that you're pregnant at all without those symptoms.

On that note, I have continued to take pregnancy test after pregnancy test, just to make sure that they are still positive. I'm terrified that I'm going to wake up from this dream I've been having where everything was right with the world, and I was expecting another baby. I think the only thing that I have had since I found out is some food aversions, and some cramping. Otherwise, it's just buisness as usual.

My blood pressure was down today, and I have been trying to eat really good... but Tony kind of bullied me into eating fast food for dinner. I don't think that he meant to, but it goes back to him manipulating me. I was fine to eat at home but he kept talking about how we didn't have anything, and then he brought up something from Wendy's that I had previously mentioned wanting to try, and the dance continued. We ended up with fast food, I ended up with a tummy ache, and then I was pretty upset with him and didn't really kiss him goodnight. Even before he left to go and get the food, I told him that I really didn't want to eat fast food, and I was rooting through the fridge to find something else that I could eat. This is the first time he's manipulated me like that since I broke down and talked to him about it. So, I'm going to let it slide, just this once. But if he ever does it again, and I'm in a position where I end up doing something that I really didn't want to do to begin with, just because he wanted it... we will have a problem.

Anyway, I'd like to drop that subject please! LOL. On to happier things to think about. Like baby names. I don't want to jump the gun too much, but choosing baby name is my ALL TIME FAVORITE part of being pregnant! I think that our girl name is pretty much set... Anabel Charlotte, but there is another contender that I keep counting out, but then it gets right back up again. Avangeline. I LOVE IT. But it's so close to our surname that I keep thinking that there's no way I can use it. But then I think "well, we could call her Ava." I don't know, I guess I will work out a middle name for Avangeline and then decide when I meet the baby. A boy's name is not even on the table right now. Tony likes Adam. I do too, it's super cute for a little boy, but I don't know. I think it's a little plain. But simple can be good too. A good middle name would be Gabriel, which I really like, and there's no reason that the baby couldn't go by Gabe. Eh, I don't know. I'm still a little in love with Archer and Asher, and with either of those names comes the name Ronan, which I think is an uber masculine name, and would offset the more feminine Asher perfectly. But again, we will have to wait and see.

I just can't believe that I'm in a position to even think seriously about baby names. I can't wait until I get to meet this little one! I'm elated over this whole pregnancy :)

Hiatus...

So, I deleted the blog for a while because I just sort of figured that we were out of the baby game and nothing but heartache was going to come of constantly talking about how much I wanted a baby. So, I closed down the blog and tried to move on. Then, last month by some miracle we were able to give getting pregnant one last shot. Imagine my shock when I found out this morning that I AM PREGNANT!

Well, I guess technically I found out yesterday. I took a First Response Early Result test 2 days ago and there was a line so faint that I couldn't even be sure that it was a line at all, and then yesterday I took another First Response and it was a smidgen darker. I was over the moon when that happened, so I broke out a Clear Blue Easy Digital test and there it was staring at me "NOT PREGNANT." Boo. I shrugged my shoulders and attributed it to the fact that I was only 10 days past ovulation. However, as the day wore on, I kept second guessing the First Response test. I remembered reading somewhere that they were so sensitive that they could produce false positives. So, I lingered on that thought, or rather, worry all day long.

When I woke up this morning, I was out of First Response tests, so I got one of my wonderful WalMart tests out and figured I would give it a shot. It was positive within the time frame which was good, but over time the line started to fade. Lucky for me, I collected my... uh, specimen? In a cup so I got my last digital test out and prayed.

I think I did a Jersey Shore style fist pump and then sent this picture to Tony who is equally elated.

Now it's about staying healthy and hoping for the best. One of the first things that tipped me off that this may have worked way on July 3rd, I went to the store to buy the pregnancy tests and stopped at the little kiosk where you can check your blood pressure, and mine was a little higher than it has ever been, so that worried me a little. I'm going to plan on getting myself to a healthier place though to take better care of me and baby. I'm going to limit my sodium and processed food (eat closer to nature) and try and get to the gym at least 5 days a week. I may look for a nice swimsuit that will fit over an expanding belly so that I can get in some laps since it's good, low impact exercise later in my pregnancy. Next week, I will start back with lifting some light weights, and getting in a 1/2 hour of cardio a day. This baby deserves the best vessel possible and with my blood pressure already a little on the rise, I don't want to go down the preeclampsia road.

I am blissfully happy right now, but in all honesty, I'm a little worried. Like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have lived such a blessed life, that I think that the universe is going to eventually have to correct itself. I'm trying to let go, and let God so that I can find peace... that's helping. But at the same time, I see all four of my amazing children and wonder if I'm pushing my luck. I hope not. This will more than likely be our last child, just because it's going to become a financial strain, and the longer I have a baby at home, the longer I have to wait to go back to work and start contributing to this family financially. So, we have pushed this as far as we can, really. I will be creeping up on my 27th birthday when this little one is due... and I think that will be a good time for us to stop. I mean, I knew I would have to stop sometime. But something inside of me just didn't see a complete picture when I looked at our family. So, I am just hoping and praying, and praying and hoping that this little one hangs in there, and comes into our life, and completes our picture.

Update...

Just quickly I will say that things have been difficult recently. I'm not going to go into the details of everything right now because it's really fresh, but I will say that right now I am going through the end of a chemical pregnancy (very early miscarriage). I plan to make a doctor appointment in a couple of weeks to make sure that everything is back to normal and no other medical intervention is needed. Other than that, physically I'm fine. I will make a more in depth post later if I'm up to it, but for now that's all I've got.

Confused...

Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking about a lot of things, and I just can't figure out which way is up. So if you don't want to read an agonizingly boring post about my life, then move along... I won't judge you. Everything I write is pretty much rhetorical anyway, and I just use this blog as my personal journal to get things off my chest.

I cried the other day in the middle of Bob Evans at the thought of not being able to have any more children. It breaks my heart to think that this part of my life may be over and I can't imagine living out the rest of my life never being pregnant again, or never having another baby. But it's really beginning to look like a reality. I think that when I actually said it out loud to Tony over lunch the other day that he took a deep sigh of relief. I think he wants another baby, but he's looking at the reality and not the romance of that decision, whereas I'm the opposite. I know that realistically, this is a huge undertaking, but I'm in love with the idea of being pregnant again, and having another baby. It makes me understand my mother a little bit more.

And then there is the twins thing. I know it seems silly, but ever since we lost baby B in my pregnancy with Aidan, I have felt robbed of my chance at mothering twins. It seems like everyone around me is having a set, and yet, I lost out on mine. I am missing a child right now. I can't make that feeling go away either. Some days I think about how hard it is to deal with one baby and 'who in the world would want all that work times 2?" But since it's something that I feel I was supposed to have, I get sad thinking about not being able to have them myself.

Everything else in life is pretty much the same. Andie is a spoiled brat, Anthony is a wild child, and Aidan is a monster as usual.... Aaron is following right in his rotten footsteps. Day in and day out, it's all pretty much the same. I think a lot about milestones, and how I don't have any more to reach. I'm in a place where everything is calm in my life. But it leaves me with nothing of my own to look forward to. I've already graduated, gotten married, and had my children. Most of that happened before I was done being a teenager! So here I am, nearly 26 and going through my midlife crisis. It's quite unsettling. I wish I was on the precipice of my milestones. But even if I left Tony, got remarried, and had another child, sure I would have things to look forawrd to, but it's all second hand by then anyway. Besides, that would also require the tearing apart of my current life, which isn't going to happen.

Everything I have left to look forward to in my life aren't my milestones. They're my kids' milestones yet to come. It's up to me now to make sure that they don't screw it up. I don't want their shining moments to be dimmed because they've seen a brighter light.

This pertains to my weight too. Every time I get close to my goal weight I quit and gain the weight back. I always think that "it can wait because I can lose the weight whenever." But I think what it really is, is the fact that this is my last thing. Losing the weight is my last milestone. If I do it, then I truly have nothing else to look forward to in my own life. That is my last challenge. If I conquer it, then what? I know it seems selfish. I know that I have so much to look forward to in the lives of those people that I love... but those will be their accomplishments. I'm just not ready to live the life of a spectator yet. I'm too young. I have so much that I wanted to do that I will never be able to get done. I'm already the old woman who watches everyone live their lives because she's done everything that she could have done with her life. The difference is that I'm 25. I'm not ready to be done. I'm not ready to sit on the sidelines of life now. But there's nothing left for me.

Proud Mommy...

My biggest issue with myself is my relationship with food and my weight. I was raised being told that I was fat, and that made me worth less as a person than my sisters and brothers who were not fat like I was. Seriously, my parents made me believe this. My father put me on a diet when I was 2 years old, because he put me in dance class, and I was going to be a prima ballerina some day, and ballerinas didn't have baby fat. My Dad once sang a song to my sister and I when we were young, and the refrain was "Jackie is as skinny as a pencil, and Chrissy is so chubby like an apple." Well, I didn't want to be an apple.

Once when I was about 5, my father said "Chrissy, you look pretty today." And unfortunately, being 5, I said "I know." Well, of course I knew! I put on my prettiest dress, and brushed my hair and put on fancy shoes with the sole purpose of looking pretty. So, again, being 5 my answer was "I know." And his reply was "Well, that was conceited. You're supposed to say thank you, being conceited is ugly. Even if you look like the prettiest girl in the world, if you say 'i know,' that makes you ugly." So as a 5 year old, I thought that meant that even when I thought I was pretty that I would be ugly. I didn't wear a dress again until 6th grade graduation and even then it was a skort outfit.

I have never really recovered and deal with self confidence issues and self destructive behaviors as a result.

One of my goals as a mother is to raise children who want to be healthy and active, but are comfortable with their bodies, and always feel beautiful. When my daughter was little, I told her that she was beautiful, and when she replied with I know, as I had at the same age, her father and I sat her down and said "You're damn right you're beautiful!" And she still knows that she is grogeous, because we make sure that she hears it every day.

She came to me a few days ago, and asked me a question that I wouldn't have thought to ask at her age... "Mom, can I run a 5k?" I looked at her a little confused and gave the obvious reply, "Do you know how far that is?" Well, she did. And she still wanted to do it! I'm very proud of her. I love to run, well I love to run now. I hated it in the beginning, and only did it because I thought that it would help me be less of an apple. I was right though, I dropped weight like crazy (though that likely had a little to do with the lack of calories and the fact that I was breastfeeding... my husband still maintains that I looked emaciated) but I wasn't doing it from a place of "I want to be healthy, I want to be an athlete," but she is. She wants to be strong, she wants to challenge herself, and I will be right there to get her through it.

It's exactly one month away! So there will be an update on race day :)

Pregnant Women EVERYWHERE!

A psychologist would just say that I'm seeing pregnant women everywhere because pregnancy is at the forefront of my mind... but I think that perhaps there really is something in the water! I cannot turn my head without seeing at least one pregnant woman somewhere. At least I'm safe in my own home lol.

And TWINS! Oh my gosh! They are everywhere too! I think maybe the LORD is trying to desensitize me to the sight of twins. Ever since we lost baby B, 6 years ago, I haven't been able to stand the sight of twins, but recently they are popping up everywhere. At least 5 people I know have had a set, or have gotten pregnant with a set (yet to be born) in the last year, and last month there was a week where I saw a set a day for each of the 7 days. It was outrageous. I would have given anything to carry both of my babies to term, and it breaks my heart still that I couldn't... but time heals all wounds, right?

I still feel like I would LOVE to be pregnant right now, even though I understand the reasons why we are waiting. I still wish upon every star, at every 11:11, and on every eyelash that we are able to have just enough money to get the vasectomy reversal done. Hindsight is 20/20 and if I had known then what I know now, we never would have done it to begin with. Now it's just about trying to fix our mistake, my mistake. But what I wouldn't give to be able to make this work now :(

I've Come to Realize...

That sometimes I come off like a real spoiled brat. I'm going to work on that.

I'm going to work on a lot of things really, starting with the kids. I stopped training for the figure competitions because I got a real look at how that was affecting my family, and household. Chores aren't getting done (but who needs laundry anyway, right?) and the kids weren't getting the attention they needed. My daughter's grades are falling because I've been in such a rush to get to the gym on time that I haven't been giving her the one on one time with her homework that she was used to. People used to ask me why I didn't do things for myself, and it was because I was afraid that everything else would fall apart... and I was right.

On top of that, living in a state of depletion in my diet was shortening my temper and I was yelling first and asking questions later. No one deserves that. I seemed unhappy all of the time, and even though I wasn't, it's all about perception. If my kids thought that I was sad or depressed, then it didn't matter if I wasn't. And then there was my deteriorating relationship with food, and the way I would go on about how fat and disgusting I was... way to be a role model to a pre-teen girl, right?

I guess that's what you get when you don't focus on anyone but yourself. I don't know how I managed to do it for so long.

But I'm moving on now. My weight is going to be pushed very very far away from my mind, and my focus is going to be on my responsibilities, and the extraordinary honor I have of being a mother to these four amazing children. I hate that I lost sight of the most important things in my life. It's time to get back on track.