I'm spotting a little today! This is actually pretty good news, considering I haven't had a cycle in about 2 years! It may not seem like much but, it means that I'm ovulating, something I haven't done on my own in about three years... at least not regularly. So this has the potential to be great news! It may mean that I can have a baby totally unassisted if Tony has the reversal done! Which I must admit, I was thinking the reversal may be just a huge waste of money lately because of my inability to ovulate. I just figured that if I was going to have to go to the RE anyway to get pregnant, may as well move forward with the IUI and forget about a reversal. That way, the cost would be HALF of what the reversal would be. We will revisit all of that after I know if I'm regular or not. If my periods do not even back out, then I may still need to be on fertility drugs. So again, it's a waiting game. It's always a waiting game!
But tax return time is looming, so a decision will be final soon. Since part of that money is going toward trying to get pregnant again (whichever method that may be) it will be good to have that in hand with a purpose.
In the meantime, Tony and I are working on our parenting skills. I would like to learn a lot more about how to parent the four unique kids we have to the best of our abilities, so that the transition to five will go more smoothly. No one is perfect, us least of all... but we're really going to work hard on being the very best that we can be. I am totally devoted to becoming a more loving, attentive, and effective parent. I love them all so much.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Goodbye Puppy Pie...
Today was a little sad for all of us. We had to find a new home for our 5 month old lab puppy Kenzie. Apparently Mr. BooBoo is allergic to anything that walks on four legs and has a tail. So we bid farewell to the cutest little lab you've ever seen. I just couldn't imagine trying to give him medicine every day so we could keep her. To me it seemed like choosing the dog over the baby. So, we did what we thought we had to even though we're not happy about it. When it's time to add another canine member to the family, we will be doing the most research that we can on hypoallergenic breeds (poodles, poodle mixes, bichon frise, etc) so that little man can know the joy of having a dog, without the runny nose, rash, itchy eyes, and general blahs that he's dealing with now.
On the baby making front, no news yet. We got all of our information on adoption through the county, and it looks like foster care is going to be the best way to go if we want an infant. We just have to hope that the baby we foster ends up going up for adoption. So we're still talking about that. Tony's also really pushing the reversal, which I didn't expect. So we will be visiting that possibility too, but money is a factor, so we will see what tax return season brings. Until then, we're just going to "practice."
Friday, November 26, 2010
I wanted to wish everyone a happy and blessed Thanksgiving.
Also, through this holiday season, please pray for the people who have family members overseas. Even though combat operations are "over" in the middle east, lives are still being lost. A friend of mine lost her husband last week. They have a 6 month old son, and their lives are changed forever. Every time we lose a soldier, lives are irreversibly changed. Our servicemen and women will be getting my thoughts and prayers this holiday season. I hope that they all come home safe, so that no one else has to travel the long, hard, and painful road that my friend is on now.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Also, through this holiday season, please pray for the people who have family members overseas. Even though combat operations are "over" in the middle east, lives are still being lost. A friend of mine lost her husband last week. They have a 6 month old son, and their lives are changed forever. Every time we lose a soldier, lives are irreversibly changed. Our servicemen and women will be getting my thoughts and prayers this holiday season. I hope that they all come home safe, so that no one else has to travel the long, hard, and painful road that my friend is on now.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Monday, November 15, 2010
In Need...
...of a good long run! I have gotten horribly out of shape over the past 6 months, and that stinks. But my recently acquired love handles, and brand new dimples in my booty aren't the worst part. I've lost my zen. When I would go out for a run, it was like I had this clarity, and time didn't exist. Nine miles would feel like it only took minutes to complete. I miss the lightness. It was like my body was on autopilot, and I was just along for the ride. It wasn't even hard. It was wonderful. I miss it. I wish it were just as easy as going back out for a run and rediscovering my bliss... but I'm too far gone. Running now would be hard, a chore. I don't want to go back to that place I was in when I was only running to lose weight and I hated every minute of it. I want to go back to my happy place. But I can't. It's not happy anymore. I guess it's all about getting started though. "A journey of a thousand miles," and whatnot.
I do know one thing for sure though, Tony and I have got to start taking better care of ourselves. We do an okay job, but we've really been slipping lately (thus the new dimples where dimples ought not be) and we need to recommit. A close friend of mine lost his father today. He was 54 and he had a heart attack. He was overweight, and didn't take very good care of himself, but he was a good man. He was a father and a grandfather to a beautiful little girl who he will now not get to see grow up. I don't want that for my children, or my grandchildren. It hit far too close to home today. Life is short. I don't want to take away a single day that I could be spending with my family. I hope that my husband feels the same way, because if we keep traveling on this road we're on, our grandchildren aren't going to know him.
I do know one thing for sure though, Tony and I have got to start taking better care of ourselves. We do an okay job, but we've really been slipping lately (thus the new dimples where dimples ought not be) and we need to recommit. A close friend of mine lost his father today. He was 54 and he had a heart attack. He was overweight, and didn't take very good care of himself, but he was a good man. He was a father and a grandfather to a beautiful little girl who he will now not get to see grow up. I don't want that for my children, or my grandchildren. It hit far too close to home today. Life is short. I don't want to take away a single day that I could be spending with my family. I hope that my husband feels the same way, because if we keep traveling on this road we're on, our grandchildren aren't going to know him.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Information Overload...
I never thought that there was any such thing as too much information until today. We're trying to weigh all of the pros and cons of each of the possible ways to add to our family, and it seems like we're (and by we're I mean I'm) always making sure that we know the ins and outs of each possible baby scenario. So, we've decided that we're going to learn more about the foster to adopt option also, as we wouldn't mind adopting a baby Aaron's age or younger (so we don't upset the birth order). I will be calling the DJFS on Monday and finding out about how to take the foster/adoptive parent classes, so we can see if that's a viable option for us. We are working within a time frame though. If it's not looking like it's going to work out, then we will move ahead with the pregnancy option in February. Besides, Tony and I had always wanted to adopt one of our children, so we may need to know more about this avenue anyway. We're perfectly fine with whatever situation presents itself, as long as all roads lead to baby.
When we discussed the vasectomy 5 years ago, we discussed having more children, and how we would go about that, and adoption was what we had decided. The only reason we "had" Aaron is because I wanted the pregnancy experience again. Otherwise, it would have been an adoption, without question. Right now, we're in the opposite place. Whereas before, I wanted to be pregnant, this time, we just want to have a baby. The pregnancy isn't as important to me as it was before. Especially when I have to take into consideration the issues I had with my previous pregnancy, and the likelihood that I will have to have a second c-section. It amounts to a little but of apprehension when it comes to a prospective pregnancy... but not enough to keep me from fully wanting to do it. It's like a boxer taking one on the chin for a million dollars, sure it sucks, but it's more than worth the pay day.
I've looked into the foster parent classes, and there is only one left in 2010, and it is a "lightning course." Which basically means all of the classes are shoved into two weekends. That seemed like it would work out perfectly for us, except for the fact that we would have to be there on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday... but Tony works on Fridays. Since we would both need to be present at all classes, that's not going to work out. So, on Monday, when I put in that phone call to DJFS, I'll see if there is any way around that. Maybe we could make up the time? I won't know unless I make that call.
I guess right now, it's all up in the air, and figured out at the same time. We will work with the possibility of adopting through the county until February, and if nothing comes of it by then, we will pray that we are able to get pregnant with our one precious last chance. If not, it's back to the drawing board. I'm not sure what we will do if we don't conceive. Maybe go back to DJFS? We'll see what the future holds. An agency adoption would be wonderful, but the bill that would rack up would get ridiculous in a hurry, and we don't really have enough credit to take out a loan for the expenses.
I know that I'm letting all of this get me a little crazy, and turned around, but it's just one of those things. I'm sure you've had that feeing in your gut, a desire so strong that it make you nauseous. That's where I'm at, and I'm just trying to make sure I have all angles covered so if it doesn't work out in the end, I can say "I tried everything that I could." Although, I was told tonight that if we were to win the lottery that Tony is definitely going to get a reversal, and we're going to "go at it like rabbits." Men.
When we discussed the vasectomy 5 years ago, we discussed having more children, and how we would go about that, and adoption was what we had decided. The only reason we "had" Aaron is because I wanted the pregnancy experience again. Otherwise, it would have been an adoption, without question. Right now, we're in the opposite place. Whereas before, I wanted to be pregnant, this time, we just want to have a baby. The pregnancy isn't as important to me as it was before. Especially when I have to take into consideration the issues I had with my previous pregnancy, and the likelihood that I will have to have a second c-section. It amounts to a little but of apprehension when it comes to a prospective pregnancy... but not enough to keep me from fully wanting to do it. It's like a boxer taking one on the chin for a million dollars, sure it sucks, but it's more than worth the pay day.
I've looked into the foster parent classes, and there is only one left in 2010, and it is a "lightning course." Which basically means all of the classes are shoved into two weekends. That seemed like it would work out perfectly for us, except for the fact that we would have to be there on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday... but Tony works on Fridays. Since we would both need to be present at all classes, that's not going to work out. So, on Monday, when I put in that phone call to DJFS, I'll see if there is any way around that. Maybe we could make up the time? I won't know unless I make that call.
I guess right now, it's all up in the air, and figured out at the same time. We will work with the possibility of adopting through the county until February, and if nothing comes of it by then, we will pray that we are able to get pregnant with our one precious last chance. If not, it's back to the drawing board. I'm not sure what we will do if we don't conceive. Maybe go back to DJFS? We'll see what the future holds. An agency adoption would be wonderful, but the bill that would rack up would get ridiculous in a hurry, and we don't really have enough credit to take out a loan for the expenses.
I know that I'm letting all of this get me a little crazy, and turned around, but it's just one of those things. I'm sure you've had that feeing in your gut, a desire so strong that it make you nauseous. That's where I'm at, and I'm just trying to make sure I have all angles covered so if it doesn't work out in the end, I can say "I tried everything that I could." Although, I was told tonight that if we were to win the lottery that Tony is definitely going to get a reversal, and we're going to "go at it like rabbits." Men.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
A Case of the Blahs...
It's been a trying couple of weeks, but I'm hoping that things will start to get better as the days wear on. I don't know if I'm having a hormone shift or what, but I am feeling a little bit like I'm losing my mind. I feel some of my less desirable tendencies coming to the surface. Like, my inability to finish things, feeling "less than" in every facet of my life, and then there's my inability to make a solid decision. I am really bad for that. I think that alone should disqualify me from being a mother... but I've already crossed that bridge four times. I'm so thankful that they don't make parents take a test before letting them leave with their child, or else I would be totally out of luck.
My biggest problem is that I'm very creative. Most people would call that a strength, unless you're applying every imaginary scenario to your life on a daily basis. I think of all of the things I want, every day. I think of all the things I've never had, the things I had, but lost... and all of the things I wish I could do for/give to others, but it's just impossible. I feel like a first time mom all over again. It's like I'm one of those 30-something career women who go back and forth on when the "perfect" time to start a family is. You know the ones. The women who have an impossible list of criteria that they have to meet to take that leap and become a mother. But I also don't want to be one of those women who just does everything on a whim. And that's difficult, because that is my personality in a nutshell. I'm trying to think everything through, what mother doesn't? But I'm letting all of my back and forth ruin my current day to day life.
I'm stressing out WAY TOO MUCH. I would love to be in a situation where I could just "let whatever happens, happen." But it's not going to happen. Tony told me today that we're only going to give it one shot, and then I "have to move on." I guess he'll be ready to move on after that, but I'm not sure that I will. I guess I won't have much of a choice though will I? The thought of going through the process (Meds/IUI) again, and having nothing to show for it is daunting. It's making me question whether or not it would be worth the heartache of failure. But it's looking like we're not going to be able to afford the vasectomy reversal since the urologist wants the nearly $5k (which isn't actually expensive for a reversal) up front. That, my friends, is not going to happen.
I suppose that's why adopting has been popping up in my mind so much lately. Though I want to go through another pregnancy, and birth of another child, it may be better to adopt. At least then you're looking at more of a sure thing. I would try my hardest to adopt through the county's department of family services. There are so many children born into the system that it's ridiculous. But adoption takes a lot of time, and I honest to God do not want to wait the years that Tony would want to wait to adopt. I would want to start the process immediately, but that's my impatience. I guess the majority of me wants my family to feel complete. It doesn't. Fantastic... I'm talking myself in circles again.
Oh how I wish I were made of money.
My biggest problem is that I'm very creative. Most people would call that a strength, unless you're applying every imaginary scenario to your life on a daily basis. I think of all of the things I want, every day. I think of all the things I've never had, the things I had, but lost... and all of the things I wish I could do for/give to others, but it's just impossible. I feel like a first time mom all over again. It's like I'm one of those 30-something career women who go back and forth on when the "perfect" time to start a family is. You know the ones. The women who have an impossible list of criteria that they have to meet to take that leap and become a mother. But I also don't want to be one of those women who just does everything on a whim. And that's difficult, because that is my personality in a nutshell. I'm trying to think everything through, what mother doesn't? But I'm letting all of my back and forth ruin my current day to day life.
I'm stressing out WAY TOO MUCH. I would love to be in a situation where I could just "let whatever happens, happen." But it's not going to happen. Tony told me today that we're only going to give it one shot, and then I "have to move on." I guess he'll be ready to move on after that, but I'm not sure that I will. I guess I won't have much of a choice though will I? The thought of going through the process (Meds/IUI) again, and having nothing to show for it is daunting. It's making me question whether or not it would be worth the heartache of failure. But it's looking like we're not going to be able to afford the vasectomy reversal since the urologist wants the nearly $5k (which isn't actually expensive for a reversal) up front. That, my friends, is not going to happen.
I suppose that's why adopting has been popping up in my mind so much lately. Though I want to go through another pregnancy, and birth of another child, it may be better to adopt. At least then you're looking at more of a sure thing. I would try my hardest to adopt through the county's department of family services. There are so many children born into the system that it's ridiculous. But adoption takes a lot of time, and I honest to God do not want to wait the years that Tony would want to wait to adopt. I would want to start the process immediately, but that's my impatience. I guess the majority of me wants my family to feel complete. It doesn't. Fantastic... I'm talking myself in circles again.
Oh how I wish I were made of money.
Monday, November 8, 2010
"I Didn't Lie, the Truth Kept Changing"...
That was my favorite "Kids Say the Darndest Things"-esque line from my youth. It's so cute, I really wish I had said it, but alas, that phrase came out of the precocious mouth of my little sister Jacqueline. Well, that and "the cars can't hit us Mom, we're Presbyterians, we have the right'away." Gosh she was so cute.
Anyway, back to the reason that the truth keeps changing. Circumstances keep changing, so in like fashion, our options keep changing too. It's really complicated, and I wish there was a way that I could explain it better without sounding like a 5 year old who is defiantly stomping her feet because she can't have everything go her way. The short version is this... at the core of this whole process is a burning desire to have another daughter. Don't get me wrong, if we were to go forward and get pregnant, and found out we were having a boy, we would be ecstatic! However, the motive behind the pregnancy pipedream is to try for another girl. Let me say this again, we would be over the moon to have another boy, but our motivation is and has been the potential of bringing home a little girl.
That's one of the reasons that we have been considering a reversal, so if we have another son, that we could give it another go without the aid of the fertility clinic. You know, I really hate admitting that we want to have one gender over another. It seems so stupid, you know? A baby is a blessing, whether is comes with all the optional attachments or not. I feel like I'm being whiny and horrible. But I can't make that little tug I feel in my heart every time I see a baby girl snuggle with her daddy, or pass the Christmas dresses at the department store go away, no matter how hard I try. And trust me, I've tried. And so our truth keeps changing. Reversal? IUI? Adoption? It just keeps changing. What are we going to do?! I'm so conflicted right now.
Adoption has always been something that we've wanted to do, but it is definitely a labor intensive avenue to becoming a parent. It takes years, home studies, and many many more colorful and complicated hoops to jump through. We thought of fostering to adopt, because it would be wonderful to give a good life to a child who may otherwise be in the system. And the thing is, we don't care if she's black, white, blue, or purple as long as she's ours.
The most ideal adoption situation would be international, but it's so expensive, it requires a lot of travel, and most countries will not adopt children to us because of our current family size. Most have limits set on the number of biological children a couple have, as well as income requirements, travel requirements, age limits, housing requirements, and honestly, the list goes on and on. It's very hard to meet every criteria that is necessary to adopt internationally. But open domestic adoption has Tony and I split. Tony takes issue with birth parents. It's horrible, I know. But he has so much antimosity built up against open adoption. He has a stigma for birth parents too. He just feels like they're abandoning a child. He doesn't see adoption as a gift to their child, and the adoptive parents like I do. He wouldn't want a child knowing that it was adopted, and well that's an issue right there. Private adoption has really fallen out of fashion. his biggest fear is that an adopted child will look at him one day and say "You're not my father." Or worse, that she will turn 18 and track down her birth parents and forget all about us... like the grass would be greener.
I'm at a loss right now. Which is the right way? I swear I put all of this stress on myself. It's really unnecessary, but what do you do? I'm a complicated person and I tend to find myself in complicated situations. Mostly because I put myself there. I guess it's just one more thing that I will put in the Lord's hands. I've been doing that a lot lately.
For now, I have to take a stress break... Parent/Teacher conferences in an hour. Time to find out how the monsters have been doing. My little geniuses.
Anyway, back to the reason that the truth keeps changing. Circumstances keep changing, so in like fashion, our options keep changing too. It's really complicated, and I wish there was a way that I could explain it better without sounding like a 5 year old who is defiantly stomping her feet because she can't have everything go her way. The short version is this... at the core of this whole process is a burning desire to have another daughter. Don't get me wrong, if we were to go forward and get pregnant, and found out we were having a boy, we would be ecstatic! However, the motive behind the pregnancy pipedream is to try for another girl. Let me say this again, we would be over the moon to have another boy, but our motivation is and has been the potential of bringing home a little girl.
That's one of the reasons that we have been considering a reversal, so if we have another son, that we could give it another go without the aid of the fertility clinic. You know, I really hate admitting that we want to have one gender over another. It seems so stupid, you know? A baby is a blessing, whether is comes with all the optional attachments or not. I feel like I'm being whiny and horrible. But I can't make that little tug I feel in my heart every time I see a baby girl snuggle with her daddy, or pass the Christmas dresses at the department store go away, no matter how hard I try. And trust me, I've tried. And so our truth keeps changing. Reversal? IUI? Adoption? It just keeps changing. What are we going to do?! I'm so conflicted right now.
Adoption has always been something that we've wanted to do, but it is definitely a labor intensive avenue to becoming a parent. It takes years, home studies, and many many more colorful and complicated hoops to jump through. We thought of fostering to adopt, because it would be wonderful to give a good life to a child who may otherwise be in the system. And the thing is, we don't care if she's black, white, blue, or purple as long as she's ours.
The most ideal adoption situation would be international, but it's so expensive, it requires a lot of travel, and most countries will not adopt children to us because of our current family size. Most have limits set on the number of biological children a couple have, as well as income requirements, travel requirements, age limits, housing requirements, and honestly, the list goes on and on. It's very hard to meet every criteria that is necessary to adopt internationally. But open domestic adoption has Tony and I split. Tony takes issue with birth parents. It's horrible, I know. But he has so much antimosity built up against open adoption. He has a stigma for birth parents too. He just feels like they're abandoning a child. He doesn't see adoption as a gift to their child, and the adoptive parents like I do. He wouldn't want a child knowing that it was adopted, and well that's an issue right there. Private adoption has really fallen out of fashion. his biggest fear is that an adopted child will look at him one day and say "You're not my father." Or worse, that she will turn 18 and track down her birth parents and forget all about us... like the grass would be greener.
I'm at a loss right now. Which is the right way? I swear I put all of this stress on myself. It's really unnecessary, but what do you do? I'm a complicated person and I tend to find myself in complicated situations. Mostly because I put myself there. I guess it's just one more thing that I will put in the Lord's hands. I've been doing that a lot lately.
For now, I have to take a stress break... Parent/Teacher conferences in an hour. Time to find out how the monsters have been doing. My little geniuses.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
About Time!
Drumroll please?...... Negative. Phew! I was a little worried, with being sick, and not being on top of taking my prenatals, and with not having a cycle in nearly 2 years, who knows how far along I could have been! That in and of itself was scary to think about. What if I was 5 months along? And no prenatal care? That would freak me out! So now I'm going to take a nice long breath and go about my life for the next couple of months until the active phase of TTC really starts.
So, for starting out so uneventful, this day sure didn't stay that way. I'm still sick, but I've started my calorie restriction. It's been less than one day, and I'm already craving every single food that I have ever tried in my life... but I know that will get easier with time (before it gets worse). Aaron hasn't nursed at all today which doesn't help matters.
On top of that, I got a text this morning with less than stellar news from Tony. He got hit by a semi-truck at work today. He's fine. He was also in a truck, so it could have been worse. However, he had to wait on the side of the road all day for someone to pull his truck out of a hole where it had been pushed off the road. They cited the other driver, and everyone was just fine, so that's good. But he's going to be gone for what's left of the day, only to have to turn around and go back out tomorrow. Geez! Give a brotha' a day off! I think I'm most steamed about the fact that he was ahead of his stops all day long, and was going to be home super early today! Not anymore. Bummer. I really miss him sometimes.
So, I'm whiny, sick, in pain, and lonely. Boo hoo for me. But all of that's going to end soon in favor of busy, sick, in pain, and frazzled, because it's time to pick the kids up from school!
So, for starting out so uneventful, this day sure didn't stay that way. I'm still sick, but I've started my calorie restriction. It's been less than one day, and I'm already craving every single food that I have ever tried in my life... but I know that will get easier with time (before it gets worse). Aaron hasn't nursed at all today which doesn't help matters.
On top of that, I got a text this morning with less than stellar news from Tony. He got hit by a semi-truck at work today. He's fine. He was also in a truck, so it could have been worse. However, he had to wait on the side of the road all day for someone to pull his truck out of a hole where it had been pushed off the road. They cited the other driver, and everyone was just fine, so that's good. But he's going to be gone for what's left of the day, only to have to turn around and go back out tomorrow. Geez! Give a brotha' a day off! I think I'm most steamed about the fact that he was ahead of his stops all day long, and was going to be home super early today! Not anymore. Bummer. I really miss him sometimes.
So, I'm whiny, sick, in pain, and lonely. Boo hoo for me. But all of that's going to end soon in favor of busy, sick, in pain, and frazzled, because it's time to pick the kids up from school!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Results Are In...
Invaild. Yes, invalid. In 10 years of taking pregnancy tests, whether they were positive or negative, they were always SOMETHING. Not this time. No, this time there were no lines. None. Does that mean I'm super not pregnant? I couldn't even make the control line show up? So I went back out to the store and got a 2 pack and will try again in the morning. One to be negative tomorrow, and one to be positive in February.
Tony is convinced that I'm pregnant. Me, not so much. I have the flu, period. It's cute though, to see him all excited. It really makes me anxious for the time when we really get to try, and I really get to say I'm pregnant.
In other news, after nearly 14 months of breastfeeding, Aaron has decided he's ready to wean. Normally, that's a good thing. But not for me. I have a clogged duct and it hurts like Hell. Since he's not nursing as much, it's making things worse. I've been heating it, and taking tylenol for the pain, but it still hurts. It feels like someone took the spiked head of a medieval mace and shoved it into my breast. Sounds fun, right? Don't you wish you had your own clogged duct?
The next order of buisness is trying to dry up my supply. As soon as the pregnancy test comes back negative tomorrow morning, I'm going to drastically drop my caloric intake to shock my body. In turn, my milk supply should tank, because my body should be more concerned with sustaining my own life, and not Aaron's. At least, that's my hypothesis. Also, when the test comes back negative tomorrow, I may head to the doctor in case my breast is infected. I'm not running a fever, so I'm pretty sure it's not, but better safe than sorry.
Tony is convinced that I'm pregnant. Me, not so much. I have the flu, period. It's cute though, to see him all excited. It really makes me anxious for the time when we really get to try, and I really get to say I'm pregnant.
In other news, after nearly 14 months of breastfeeding, Aaron has decided he's ready to wean. Normally, that's a good thing. But not for me. I have a clogged duct and it hurts like Hell. Since he's not nursing as much, it's making things worse. I've been heating it, and taking tylenol for the pain, but it still hurts. It feels like someone took the spiked head of a medieval mace and shoved it into my breast. Sounds fun, right? Don't you wish you had your own clogged duct?
The next order of buisness is trying to dry up my supply. As soon as the pregnancy test comes back negative tomorrow morning, I'm going to drastically drop my caloric intake to shock my body. In turn, my milk supply should tank, because my body should be more concerned with sustaining my own life, and not Aaron's. At least, that's my hypothesis. Also, when the test comes back negative tomorrow, I may head to the doctor in case my breast is infected. I'm not running a fever, so I'm pretty sure it's not, but better safe than sorry.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Just for Giggles...
Tony bought me a pregnancy test today. Yes, I know how silly that sounds. I plan on taking it tomorrow, even though it's probably a waste of time and money. The thing is, Aaron is 13 months old and I still haven't had a cycle yet. I've cut way down on breastfeeding (sometimes just twice a day) and I'm pretty certain I should have had some sort of hormone shift by now. Maybe I'm crazy? But I keep having this feeling like I'm about to start a new cycle, and then... nothing! I get all of the AF symptoms (which coincidentally are also pregnancy symptoms) and then she doesn't show. I keep telling poor Tony that he smells funny, and I've asked him what he's done differently in the past month or two. But what if it's me? I keep freaking out like his smells are changing because he's got a brain tumor or something, but what if my sense of smell is just more sensitive?
I know... insane. I mean we're dealing with a situation where Tony has had a vasectomy. You would think that we would know better, right? Well, here's the kicker... we're real idiots. You see, when we decided that three kids were it, it was for good reason. We were 20, flat broke, and dealing with a horrific injury. Notice that "flat broke" part? Let me tell you why that's significant. We saved for months to have the vasectomy. We didn't have insurance because at the time, neither of us was working. So we had to pay out of pocket. And being that money wasn't exactly coming into our household in buckets, we couldn't pay for the follow up visit. You know... the visit where they test the plumbing to make sure there aren't any leaks? We had to just assume that it worked. Yes, our birth control plan at that time was half blind trust, and half denial.
When we went ahead with TTC Aaron, we figured we didn't need to test Tony's count because we hadn't gotten pregnant up to that point, so why spend the extra money? We didn't even consider the fact that a perfectly fertile couple only has a 15%-20% chance of getting pregnant per cycle, so if he's got a slow leak, pregnancy is going to be terribly improbable, but not impossible. So we moved ahead with the samples we had in storage and didn't give it a second thought.
But here I am. In 3 weeks I will be 14 months post partum. When I had Andie, I started cycling again when she was 5 months old. So what gives? Maybe it's just a hormonal imbalance. The plan is still in place to head to the RE in February. But in the meantime, it would be foolish not to consider the possibility, and at least be sure. What if the vasectomy failed? I mean, I would feel terrible to find out too late that I was expecting and not have gotten the prenatal care I needed. It's worth a $4 pregnancy test, just to have it come back negative (as it should) just for peace of mind. By all rights, I should wake up to a single lonely line on that test in the morning. I'm not giving in to wishful thinking here. I'm really not. I fully expect a negative test in the morning. A positive test would be amazing, mostly because it would be a miracle.
I know... insane. I mean we're dealing with a situation where Tony has had a vasectomy. You would think that we would know better, right? Well, here's the kicker... we're real idiots. You see, when we decided that three kids were it, it was for good reason. We were 20, flat broke, and dealing with a horrific injury. Notice that "flat broke" part? Let me tell you why that's significant. We saved for months to have the vasectomy. We didn't have insurance because at the time, neither of us was working. So we had to pay out of pocket. And being that money wasn't exactly coming into our household in buckets, we couldn't pay for the follow up visit. You know... the visit where they test the plumbing to make sure there aren't any leaks? We had to just assume that it worked. Yes, our birth control plan at that time was half blind trust, and half denial.
When we went ahead with TTC Aaron, we figured we didn't need to test Tony's count because we hadn't gotten pregnant up to that point, so why spend the extra money? We didn't even consider the fact that a perfectly fertile couple only has a 15%-20% chance of getting pregnant per cycle, so if he's got a slow leak, pregnancy is going to be terribly improbable, but not impossible. So we moved ahead with the samples we had in storage and didn't give it a second thought.
But here I am. In 3 weeks I will be 14 months post partum. When I had Andie, I started cycling again when she was 5 months old. So what gives? Maybe it's just a hormonal imbalance. The plan is still in place to head to the RE in February. But in the meantime, it would be foolish not to consider the possibility, and at least be sure. What if the vasectomy failed? I mean, I would feel terrible to find out too late that I was expecting and not have gotten the prenatal care I needed. It's worth a $4 pregnancy test, just to have it come back negative (as it should) just for peace of mind. By all rights, I should wake up to a single lonely line on that test in the morning. I'm not giving in to wishful thinking here. I'm really not. I fully expect a negative test in the morning. A positive test would be amazing, mostly because it would be a miracle.
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